1 00:00:09,400 --> 00:00:14,697 Our Father, which art in heaven... 2 00:00:17,743 --> 00:00:21,121 ♪ The other day a friend of mine said, he said ♪ 3 00:00:21,163 --> 00:00:23,165 ♪ That God's not even with us ♪ 4 00:00:23,206 --> 00:00:25,709 ♪ He said that God is really dead ♪ 5 00:00:27,545 --> 00:00:30,923 ♪ He said, oh, pal, a fact's a fact ♪ 6 00:00:30,965 --> 00:00:33,551 ♪ You can't believe that magic act ♪ 7 00:00:33,593 --> 00:00:36,429 ♪ I said, I don't, and that was that ♪ 8 00:00:38,057 --> 00:00:43,062 ♪ Now I say, good for God ♪ 9 00:00:43,103 --> 00:00:48,817 ♪ Good for God ♪ 10 00:00:48,859 --> 00:00:51,321 ♪ He goes and makes the planet blue ♪ 11 00:00:51,363 --> 00:00:54,324 ♪ And all the thanks he gets from you ♪ 12 00:00:54,366 --> 00:00:59,746 ♪ Just look at all that poo-poo in the yard ♪ 13 00:00:59,788 --> 00:01:04,502 ♪ Good for God ♪ 14 00:01:04,543 --> 00:01:09,632 ♪ I bet His life up there is very hard ♪ 15 00:01:09,674 --> 00:01:12,134 ♪ He knows each time a sparrow falls ♪ 16 00:01:12,176 --> 00:01:14,930 ♪ But who can answer all His calls ♪ 17 00:01:14,971 --> 00:01:20,477 ♪ Good for God ♪ 18 00:01:20,519 --> 00:01:25,233 ♪ Good for God ♪ 19 00:01:25,274 --> 00:01:30,571 ♪ I bet He's got a very hard job ♪ 20 00:01:30,613 --> 00:01:33,741 ♪ Ain't got no Mama ♪ 21 00:01:33,783 --> 00:01:35,744 ♪ Ain't got no Papa ♪ 22 00:01:35,786 --> 00:01:40,833 ♪ Good for God. ♪ 23 00:02:42,649 --> 00:02:44,235 Hmm? 24 00:02:51,242 --> 00:02:54,412 Good morning, God. It's me, Ambrose. 25 00:02:56,332 --> 00:02:58,709 Oops. Oh, dear 26 00:02:58,751 --> 00:03:03,297 Sorry I'm a bit behind today, but the rooster went off late. 27 00:03:03,339 --> 00:03:06,300 Thank You for sparing me for another day. 28 00:03:06,342 --> 00:03:09,596 But, of course, that goes without saying, doesn't it? 29 00:03:09,638 --> 00:03:12,724 Except it doesn't, You see, because in Your book, 30 00:03:12,766 --> 00:03:16,561 it commands us to give constant thanks day and night. 31 00:03:16,603 --> 00:03:20,191 I can't imagine why You'd want anyone to keep thanking You 32 00:03:20,233 --> 00:03:22,693 for all eternity, I mean, day and night. 33 00:03:22,735 --> 00:03:25,613 I should... I should think You'd be bored with it by now. 34 00:03:25,655 --> 00:03:29,158 I know I would. 35 00:03:29,200 --> 00:03:31,578 I mean, it's not as if You're insecure or anything, 36 00:03:31,620 --> 00:03:34,957 or even as if You had an identity problem. 37 00:03:34,998 --> 00:03:36,625 I mean, after all, 38 00:03:36,667 --> 00:03:39,294 You made me in Your own image, didn't You? 39 00:03:41,089 --> 00:03:43,633 I can't imagine You looking like that somehow. 40 00:03:43,675 --> 00:03:45,593 Still... 41 00:03:47,762 --> 00:03:50,265 You made me on the morning of the sixth day. 42 00:03:50,306 --> 00:03:53,060 That was Saturday. 43 00:03:53,102 --> 00:03:55,062 Well, You might have had a rough Friday night. 44 00:03:55,104 --> 00:03:56,272 Who knows? 45 00:03:59,400 --> 00:04:01,694 Anyway, can't stand around here talking. 46 00:04:01,735 --> 00:04:03,237 You don't wanna hear my problems. 47 00:04:03,279 --> 00:04:04,920 I'm sure You've got problems of Your own. 48 00:04:06,199 --> 00:04:10,662 So, uh, I'll see You tomorrow, eh? 49 00:04:10,704 --> 00:04:12,163 I mean, I'll be here, 50 00:04:12,205 --> 00:04:13,845 and, uh, well, I'll know You'll be there. 51 00:04:13,874 --> 00:04:17,920 If, um, I'm not here, well, I'll be there. 52 00:04:17,962 --> 00:04:20,256 By the way, uh, have a nice day and amen. 53 00:04:20,298 --> 00:04:22,216 Oof. 54 00:04:27,306 --> 00:04:29,308 Oof. 55 00:05:32,542 --> 00:05:34,419 Shh. 56 00:07:32,048 --> 00:07:34,967 Oh, there you are, Ambrose. 57 00:07:35,009 --> 00:07:36,177 Tell me something. 58 00:07:36,219 --> 00:07:38,179 You are happy here, aren't you? 59 00:07:38,221 --> 00:07:40,848 Hmm? You are happy. 60 00:07:40,890 --> 00:07:43,268 Oh, I beg your pardon. I forgot. 61 00:07:43,310 --> 00:07:46,438 Yes, of course, you have my permission to speak, of course. 62 00:07:46,480 --> 00:07:48,690 - I think I'm happy, Father. - I don't know. 63 00:07:48,732 --> 00:07:50,651 It's... it's the only world I've ever known. 64 00:07:50,692 --> 00:07:54,322 I think it's glorious at your age and still celibate. 65 00:07:54,364 --> 00:07:56,074 I was celibate again last night, Father. 66 00:07:56,116 --> 00:07:57,200 Good, who with? 67 00:07:57,242 --> 00:07:59,953 Myself, three times. 68 00:07:59,994 --> 00:08:03,081 - Oh, careful. - Four would be pride. 69 00:08:03,123 --> 00:08:04,875 No. No, I'm happy here, Father. 70 00:08:04,917 --> 00:08:05,482 It's my... it's my home. 71 00:08:05,502 --> 00:08:08,337 You never wished to visit another world? 72 00:08:08,379 --> 00:08:10,131 You... you never think you'd like to know 73 00:08:10,172 --> 00:08:12,758 what's going on outside these walls? 74 00:08:12,800 --> 00:08:15,929 Father, why... why are you asking me all this now? 75 00:08:15,971 --> 00:08:19,808 'Cause we're sending you on a mission, out there. 76 00:08:21,518 --> 00:08:23,061 Oh, why... why... why me? 77 00:08:23,103 --> 00:08:25,272 Well, you see, we've fallen on hard times. 78 00:08:25,313 --> 00:08:27,400 And when we renounced the material world, 79 00:08:27,441 --> 00:08:30,444 and we ask God for nothing, and in His benevolence, 80 00:08:30,486 --> 00:08:33,573 He gave us nothing immediately and ever since. 81 00:08:33,614 --> 00:08:36,701 - But Father, we... we... - we took a vow of poverty. 82 00:08:36,742 --> 00:08:38,035 Oh, we know. 83 00:08:38,077 --> 00:08:39,580 The price of poverty's gone up. 84 00:08:39,621 --> 00:08:42,583 We can't afford the luxury of being poor anymore. 85 00:08:42,624 --> 00:08:46,712 Besides, the landlords, they want $5,000 off the mortgage. 86 00:08:46,753 --> 00:08:48,694 But where can we get that kind of money, Father? 87 00:08:48,714 --> 00:08:50,300 We... we live by charity. 88 00:08:50,341 --> 00:08:52,385 You're going to save us. 89 00:08:52,427 --> 00:08:54,095 You are going to get us the money. 90 00:08:54,137 --> 00:08:55,972 How... how could I? 91 00:08:56,014 --> 00:08:56,556 - How... - I'll tell you how. 92 00:08:56,598 --> 00:09:00,435 You go and visit Armageddon T. Thunderbird. 93 00:09:00,476 --> 00:09:04,190 Armageddon T. Thunderbird, he's a holy man, 94 00:09:04,231 --> 00:09:07,234 a philanthropist, gives money to worthy causes. 95 00:09:07,276 --> 00:09:09,653 You state your case well, and you'll get the money. 96 00:09:09,695 --> 00:09:11,572 There's his address. There's his address. 97 00:09:11,614 --> 00:09:13,638 Father, I'm... I'm... I'm afraid. I've never been outside. 98 00:09:13,658 --> 00:09:15,493 I'm... I'm not worthy. I mean... 99 00:09:15,535 --> 00:09:16,808 Well, then you'll have to have some money. 100 00:09:16,828 --> 00:09:18,872 I'll give you $50. That's all we've got. 101 00:09:18,914 --> 00:09:20,290 There you are. You take it. 102 00:09:20,332 --> 00:09:22,792 Ca... Can I have time to think it over? 103 00:09:22,834 --> 00:09:26,881 Yes, my son, you'll have plenty of time to think about it. 104 00:09:26,923 --> 00:09:30,343 You see, Father, I've just never been inside the outside world. 105 00:09:30,384 --> 00:09:32,637 And... 106 00:09:32,678 --> 00:09:33,930 Help! 107 00:09:34,972 --> 00:09:37,935 Let me in. I'm innocent. 108 00:09:37,976 --> 00:09:38,936 I'm innocent. 109 00:09:38,977 --> 00:09:40,395 Bless you, my son. 110 00:09:40,437 --> 00:09:41,919 Thank you for making the right decision. 111 00:09:41,939 --> 00:09:44,650 - Let me in. - God bless, God speed. 112 00:09:44,691 --> 00:09:46,276 Vaya con Dios. 113 00:09:46,318 --> 00:09:48,529 - Please, Father. - Have a nice day. 114 00:09:48,571 --> 00:09:51,282 Let me in. 115 00:11:04,653 --> 00:11:06,196 Whoa! 116 00:12:15,439 --> 00:12:17,316 Greetings, companion in Christ. 117 00:12:17,358 --> 00:12:19,402 Yes, I'm talkin' to you, Jim. 118 00:12:19,443 --> 00:12:22,488 Is it not written that those who are cast down shall be raised up? 119 00:12:22,530 --> 00:12:23,989 Arise and behold. 120 00:12:25,366 --> 00:12:29,955 The chariot of the Lord awaiteth. 121 00:12:29,996 --> 00:12:32,040 Haul thine ass aboard. 122 00:12:32,082 --> 00:12:33,500 Oh, thank you. 123 00:12:42,176 --> 00:12:45,555 This really is very kind of you. 124 00:12:45,596 --> 00:12:49,768 Dr. Sebastian Melmoth, evangelist, doctor of divinity, 125 00:12:49,810 --> 00:12:52,271 wandering scholar, 126 00:12:52,312 --> 00:12:54,731 licensed purveyor of religious novelties. 127 00:12:54,773 --> 00:12:57,693 Oh, Father Ambrose, monk. 128 00:12:57,734 --> 00:12:59,862 Welcome to my church. 129 00:13:01,698 --> 00:13:03,491 This really is a church then? 130 00:13:03,533 --> 00:13:06,536 Ah, yes, a traveling church. 131 00:13:06,578 --> 00:13:07,328 My goodness. 132 00:13:07,370 --> 00:13:11,458 Like the missionaries of old, I sally forth across the land, 133 00:13:11,499 --> 00:13:14,170 laying the word on the good people. 134 00:13:14,211 --> 00:13:15,963 That sounds wonderful. 135 00:13:16,005 --> 00:13:18,591 Ah, then would you care for a blast, my son? 136 00:13:18,632 --> 00:13:19,925 Uh. 137 00:13:19,967 --> 00:13:21,302 It's a fine holy wine. 138 00:13:21,343 --> 00:13:23,262 I... I... 139 00:13:23,304 --> 00:13:25,515 oh, you'll be amused by its humility. 140 00:13:25,557 --> 00:13:26,266 Uh, no thanks. 141 00:13:26,308 --> 00:13:30,562 No, uh, I never drink, except of course after the wafer. 142 00:13:30,604 --> 00:13:31,605 Ah. 143 00:13:31,646 --> 00:13:33,231 Quite right. 144 00:13:33,273 --> 00:13:35,193 Unwise to celebrate the Lord on an empty stomach. 145 00:13:37,820 --> 00:13:38,820 Same to you, fella. 146 00:13:40,656 --> 00:13:45,745 Up thine, and thy mother's, and thy mother's mother's. 147 00:13:45,786 --> 00:13:48,582 - Peace. - Peace. 148 00:13:48,624 --> 00:13:50,626 Ah, Aha, yes. 149 00:13:50,667 --> 00:13:52,566 You're bound, I take it, for the city of Los Angeles. 150 00:13:52,586 --> 00:13:53,795 Yeah. 151 00:13:53,837 --> 00:13:55,589 Ah, yes, the City of lost angels, 152 00:13:55,631 --> 00:13:57,633 so many wonderful sinners there. 153 00:13:57,674 --> 00:14:02,889 ♪ Onward Christian soldiers ♪ 154 00:14:02,931 --> 00:14:07,101 ♪ Marching on to war ♪ 155 00:14:07,143 --> 00:14:11,023 ♪ With the cross of Jesus ♪ 156 00:14:11,065 --> 00:14:15,277 ♪ Marching on before... ♪ 157 00:14:21,993 --> 00:14:25,205 Oh, yes, you will. 158 00:14:25,247 --> 00:14:27,916 The Lord's work is never done. 159 00:14:27,958 --> 00:14:29,417 Right there. Good. 160 00:14:29,459 --> 00:14:31,461 Move 'em. Here we go. 161 00:14:31,503 --> 00:14:34,215 Right there. 162 00:14:34,257 --> 00:14:36,425 This is as far as I go. 163 00:14:36,467 --> 00:14:38,032 - Thank you, Dr. Melmoth. - You've been very kind. 164 00:14:38,052 --> 00:14:39,470 - Ha ha. - Don't mention it. 165 00:14:39,512 --> 00:14:40,244 Don't mention it. 166 00:14:40,264 --> 00:14:44,726 Oh, do me a favor, will you, and help these tired old legs. 167 00:14:44,768 --> 00:14:45,958 - Pick it up, will you, please? - Certainly, Dr. Melmoth. 168 00:14:45,978 --> 00:14:47,521 - Freeze. - Don't move a muscle. 169 00:14:47,563 --> 00:14:49,231 I don't want your money, my son. 170 00:14:49,273 --> 00:14:51,108 No, I'm not interested in material things. 171 00:14:51,149 --> 00:14:52,109 - What are you talking about? - W... 172 00:14:52,150 --> 00:14:52,776 Shut up and don't argue. 173 00:14:52,818 --> 00:14:55,112 If I see human suffering, it is my duty to help 174 00:14:55,153 --> 00:14:57,907 if I can without thought to material or personal gain. 175 00:14:57,949 --> 00:15:00,952 And now, my son, how long have you been thus afflicted? 176 00:15:00,994 --> 00:15:02,994 Afflicted? I... what... what are you talkin' about? 177 00:15:03,580 --> 00:15:04,789 Since childhood. 178 00:15:04,831 --> 00:15:07,293 Now I claim no powers for myself. 179 00:15:07,334 --> 00:15:08,294 The Lord works through my hand. 180 00:15:08,335 --> 00:15:09,837 Hey... 181 00:15:09,878 --> 00:15:13,674 I will make this wretched creature walk upright. 182 00:15:13,716 --> 00:15:17,177 Do you feel the power coursing through you? 183 00:15:17,219 --> 00:15:18,805 Do you feel the electricity? 184 00:15:18,847 --> 00:15:20,328 - Let me go, please. - Please let me go. 185 00:15:20,348 --> 00:15:22,392 - Ooh, do you believe? - Ooh, do you believe? 186 00:15:22,434 --> 00:15:24,811 - Let me... - Out devil spirit, heal. 187 00:15:25,854 --> 00:15:28,273 See? He stands. 188 00:15:28,315 --> 00:15:30,401 Oh, Jesus, it's a miracle. 189 00:15:30,443 --> 00:15:32,320 He stands up straight. 190 00:15:32,361 --> 00:15:34,447 Take your money, son. The Lord doesn't want it. 191 00:15:34,488 --> 00:15:37,867 He doesn't need it. He's made you whole. 192 00:15:37,908 --> 00:15:42,122 Praise the Lord. Walk in the Lord, my son. 193 00:15:43,290 --> 00:15:45,000 Walk, run, beat it. 194 00:15:45,042 --> 00:15:46,668 It's a miracle. 195 00:15:46,710 --> 00:15:47,961 Step right up, sinners. 196 00:15:48,003 --> 00:15:50,130 Take a miracle home with you. 197 00:15:50,172 --> 00:15:54,260 Get your levitating Lazarus doll. 198 00:15:54,302 --> 00:15:59,265 See him rise from the dead in the privacy of your own home. 199 00:15:59,307 --> 00:16:01,726 Hello, kiddies, I'm Lazarus. 200 00:16:01,768 --> 00:16:03,227 I'm alive again. 201 00:16:03,269 --> 00:16:05,689 Why don't you stand up for Jesus? 202 00:16:07,858 --> 00:16:10,486 ♪ The other day a friend of mine said ♪ 203 00:16:10,527 --> 00:16:13,405 ♪ He said that God's not even with us ♪ 204 00:16:13,447 --> 00:16:17,452 ♪ He said that God is really dead ♪ 205 00:16:17,494 --> 00:16:20,955 ♪ He said, oh, pal, a fact's a fact ♪ 206 00:16:20,997 --> 00:16:23,375 ♪ You can't believe that magic act ♪ 207 00:16:23,416 --> 00:16:26,544 ♪ I said, I don't, and that was that ♪ 208 00:16:28,214 --> 00:16:33,552 ♪ Now I said good for God ♪ 209 00:16:33,594 --> 00:16:34,970 ♪ Good for God ♪ 210 00:16:39,309 --> 00:16:41,603 ♪ He goes and makes this planet blue ♪ 211 00:16:41,645 --> 00:16:44,189 ♪ And all the thanks He gets from you ♪ 212 00:16:44,231 --> 00:16:47,609 ♪ Is look at all that poo-poo in the yard ♪ 213 00:16:49,653 --> 00:16:54,450 ♪ Good for God ♪ 214 00:16:54,492 --> 00:16:59,914 ♪ I bet His life up there was very hard ♪ 215 00:16:59,956 --> 00:17:02,418 ♪ He knows each time a sparrow falls ♪ 216 00:17:02,459 --> 00:17:04,878 ♪ But who can answer all His calls ♪ 217 00:17:04,920 --> 00:17:07,297 ♪ Good for God ♪ 218 00:17:07,339 --> 00:17:10,426 Also, we must wait for the son to return 219 00:17:10,467 --> 00:17:15,265 - before we can have... - ♪ Good for God ♪ 220 00:17:15,306 --> 00:17:19,185 ♪ I bet He's got a very hard job... ♪ 221 00:17:19,227 --> 00:17:20,937 Unh. 222 00:17:20,979 --> 00:17:23,231 ♪ I'm awfully glad I'm here to say ♪ 223 00:17:23,273 --> 00:17:26,193 ♪ He made it possible for me to be here this day ♪ 224 00:17:26,235 --> 00:17:30,197 ♪ Good for God ♪ 225 00:17:30,239 --> 00:17:31,699 Instrumental... 226 00:17:31,741 --> 00:17:34,618 ♪ Good for God... ♪ 227 00:17:34,660 --> 00:17:36,246 ♪ Good Lord... ♪ 228 00:17:36,288 --> 00:17:41,001 ♪ Good for God... ♪ 229 00:17:41,042 --> 00:17:42,502 ♪ Now if true is true ♪ 230 00:17:42,544 --> 00:17:44,713 ♪ It's easier to know the truth ♪ 231 00:17:44,755 --> 00:17:46,381 ♪ That's the truth So help me God ♪ 232 00:17:46,423 --> 00:17:51,345 ♪ Good for God ♪ 233 00:17:51,387 --> 00:17:56,893 ♪ Say good for God ♪ 234 00:17:56,934 --> 00:17:58,854 ♪ Good for God ♪ 235 00:18:05,319 --> 00:18:07,654 Uh, excuse me, sir, you dropped your photo... 236 00:18:07,696 --> 00:18:09,740 your photos... 237 00:18:09,782 --> 00:18:10,742 They aren't mine. They... they were his. 238 00:18:10,784 --> 00:18:12,035 They were his. 239 00:18:12,076 --> 00:18:14,871 I... I wouldn't... I mean, I... oh, my God. 240 00:18:15,955 --> 00:18:20,210 ♪ Good for God ♪ 241 00:18:20,251 --> 00:18:21,921 ♪ Now if true is true ♪ 242 00:18:21,962 --> 00:18:23,839 ♪ And it's easy if you know the truth ♪ 243 00:18:23,881 --> 00:18:26,091 ♪ That's the truth So help me God ♪ 244 00:18:26,133 --> 00:18:31,013 ♪ Good for God ♪ 245 00:18:31,055 --> 00:18:36,770 ♪ Say good for God ♪ 246 00:18:36,812 --> 00:18:41,983 ♪ Good for God ♪ 247 00:18:42,025 --> 00:18:43,109 ♪ He's got a hard job ♪ 248 00:18:43,151 --> 00:18:45,154 ♪ Before they put me in a hole ♪ 249 00:18:45,196 --> 00:18:47,281 ♪ I think I gotta find a big loophole ♪ 250 00:18:47,323 --> 00:18:49,867 ♪ Good for me ♪ 251 00:18:49,909 --> 00:18:51,160 ♪ And good for God ♪ 252 00:19:05,092 --> 00:19:07,387 - Father. - Father. 253 00:19:07,428 --> 00:19:10,390 - I... I'm not a Father. - I'm a Brother, sister. 254 00:19:10,431 --> 00:19:11,891 What is it you want? 255 00:19:11,933 --> 00:19:13,560 The sanctuary of the church. 256 00:19:13,601 --> 00:19:14,853 Huh? 257 00:19:14,894 --> 00:19:16,521 Oh. 258 00:19:16,563 --> 00:19:18,440 What are you doing under there? 259 00:19:18,482 --> 00:19:20,484 - It's all right. - I was brought up in a convent. 260 00:19:20,526 --> 00:19:22,653 Just hide me till the cops go by. 261 00:19:22,695 --> 00:19:23,654 Are they still there? 262 00:19:23,696 --> 00:19:25,030 Yes. 263 00:19:25,072 --> 00:19:30,328 Right. Look casual and keep walking. 264 00:20:05,074 --> 00:20:08,703 ♪ Every time it rains, it rains pennies from heaven ♪ 265 00:20:08,745 --> 00:20:10,413 ♪ Do, do, da, loo, do ♪ 266 00:20:10,455 --> 00:20:13,708 ♪ Don't you know each cloud contains pennies from heaven? ♪ 267 00:20:13,750 --> 00:20:15,376 ♪ Do, do, da, loo, do... ♪ 268 00:20:15,418 --> 00:20:17,151 And then the confusion, and... and the noise. 269 00:20:17,171 --> 00:20:18,505 And... and people running about. 270 00:20:18,547 --> 00:20:20,507 Well, I've never seen... oh, well, maybe you have, 271 00:20:20,549 --> 00:20:22,156 but I've never seen anything like this in my life. 272 00:20:22,176 --> 00:20:25,137 And... and then the way we met, I mean, the way I met you... 273 00:20:25,179 --> 00:20:27,682 or rather way you met... the way you met me, I mean. 274 00:20:27,724 --> 00:20:28,892 Oh, my God. 275 00:20:28,934 --> 00:20:29,976 What? 276 00:20:30,018 --> 00:20:31,978 Oh, no. 277 00:20:32,020 --> 00:20:33,668 I just realized how awful it must have been for you 278 00:20:33,688 --> 00:20:36,024 when I dived under your robe like that. 279 00:20:36,066 --> 00:20:38,611 Well, it was a bit strange. 280 00:20:38,653 --> 00:20:40,551 I mean, I've never met a woman in my life before, 281 00:20:40,571 --> 00:20:44,283 let alone had one on the, uh, premises, 282 00:20:44,325 --> 00:20:45,284 if you know what I mean. 283 00:20:45,326 --> 00:20:47,203 - Oh, come on. - No, honestly. 284 00:20:47,244 --> 00:20:50,415 No, I've seen, uh, pictures in the Bible. 285 00:20:50,457 --> 00:20:53,085 But they wear these loose flowing robes 286 00:20:53,126 --> 00:20:55,545 and you can't tell what they've got underneath. 287 00:20:55,587 --> 00:20:57,756 See, that... not like with you. 288 00:20:57,798 --> 00:21:01,928 I mean, with... with you, I can get some idea what you've got. 289 00:21:01,970 --> 00:21:05,890 I... I mean, you've got legs and... and bumpy bits. 290 00:21:05,932 --> 00:21:07,308 What? 291 00:21:07,350 --> 00:21:09,936 Um, those things, you know. 292 00:21:09,978 --> 00:21:12,313 Oh, you mean my boobies? 293 00:21:12,355 --> 00:21:14,566 Uh-huh. Mm-hmm. 294 00:21:14,608 --> 00:21:15,734 What about them? 295 00:21:15,776 --> 00:21:18,195 Nothing. 296 00:21:18,237 --> 00:21:19,343 I... I think they look very well on you. 297 00:21:19,363 --> 00:21:20,656 - They suit you. - You really do? 298 00:21:20,698 --> 00:21:22,324 Oh, yeah. 299 00:21:22,366 --> 00:21:24,953 'Cause I always thought they were kinda on the smallish side. 300 00:21:24,995 --> 00:21:26,955 - You know what I mean? - Oh, not to me. 301 00:21:26,997 --> 00:21:28,665 Uh, they're bigger than mine. 302 00:21:28,707 --> 00:21:30,125 Well... 303 00:21:30,166 --> 00:21:31,584 No, they look huge... huge. 304 00:21:31,626 --> 00:21:33,420 Really? 305 00:21:33,461 --> 00:21:35,715 Gee, it's a very nice thing to say. 306 00:21:35,756 --> 00:21:37,258 - No. - No, it really is. 307 00:21:37,299 --> 00:21:39,760 But, then again, what do you know? 308 00:21:39,802 --> 00:21:41,095 That's true. 309 00:21:44,181 --> 00:21:47,185 Would you, um, like a taste? 310 00:21:50,772 --> 00:21:52,024 Mmm. 311 00:21:52,065 --> 00:21:53,900 - Good? - Mmm. 312 00:21:53,942 --> 00:21:55,777 Think it needs a little more mustard, eh? 313 00:21:55,819 --> 00:21:56,903 - No. - Just... 314 00:21:56,945 --> 00:21:58,948 It is just right. 315 00:22:05,079 --> 00:22:07,123 You really are an innocent, aren't you? 316 00:22:08,374 --> 00:22:09,709 I suppose so. 317 00:22:09,751 --> 00:22:12,254 - It's touching. - It really is. 318 00:22:12,296 --> 00:22:15,340 It's touching, in a disgusting kind of way. 319 00:22:17,551 --> 00:22:21,765 See, I know a lot about the theory of sin. 320 00:22:21,806 --> 00:22:24,267 But I don't know anything about the practice. 321 00:22:24,309 --> 00:22:28,980 I mean, for instance, fornication. 322 00:22:29,022 --> 00:22:30,690 What? 323 00:22:30,732 --> 00:22:32,943 The Bible's full of it. 324 00:22:32,985 --> 00:22:34,820 You mustn't do it. It's sinful. 325 00:22:34,862 --> 00:22:36,280 You'll go to hell. 326 00:22:36,322 --> 00:22:38,741 But it doesn't tell you how to do it. 327 00:22:38,783 --> 00:22:39,366 So how do you know you're not? 328 00:22:39,408 --> 00:22:41,368 I mean, for all I know, I might be sitting here 329 00:22:41,410 --> 00:22:42,995 right now fornicating. 330 00:22:44,498 --> 00:22:45,812 - No, you're not. - If you were, I'd tell you. 331 00:22:45,832 --> 00:22:47,751 Mm-hmm. Thanks. 332 00:22:54,549 --> 00:22:57,637 That couple over there sucking each other's mouth, a... are... 333 00:22:57,678 --> 00:22:58,638 Would you keep it down a little bit? 334 00:22:58,679 --> 00:22:59,722 Oh, sorry. 335 00:22:59,764 --> 00:23:03,142 Uh, are... are they fornicating? 336 00:23:04,602 --> 00:23:06,938 - They're kissing. - They're just kissing. 337 00:23:06,979 --> 00:23:08,607 - Kissing. - That's phase one. 338 00:23:08,649 --> 00:23:09,149 Ah. 339 00:23:09,191 --> 00:23:11,276 See, now... now when they get home, 340 00:23:11,318 --> 00:23:12,903 they'll probably move into phase two. 341 00:23:12,945 --> 00:23:17,491 Oh, you fornicate in phases. 342 00:23:17,533 --> 00:23:19,224 Oh, yeah, that is, if you're not pressed for time. 343 00:23:19,244 --> 00:23:19,786 Ah. 344 00:23:19,828 --> 00:23:23,623 See, sex... sex is very much like a meal. 345 00:23:23,665 --> 00:23:24,665 I'll show you. 346 00:23:25,875 --> 00:23:27,877 See this menu? 347 00:23:27,919 --> 00:23:28,628 If you were gonna order a meal, right? 348 00:23:28,670 --> 00:23:30,464 Mm-hmm. 349 00:23:30,506 --> 00:23:31,173 You wouldn't go right for the main course, would you? 350 00:23:31,215 --> 00:23:33,509 Wouldn't you like to have a little appetizer first? 351 00:23:33,551 --> 00:23:35,386 Maybe. 352 00:23:35,427 --> 00:23:37,471 You know, like, uh, a little chopped liver? 353 00:23:37,513 --> 00:23:38,681 Oh, uh-huh. 354 00:23:38,722 --> 00:23:40,202 - It's an appetizer. - That's kissing. 355 00:23:40,224 --> 00:23:43,103 That's what kissing is. 356 00:23:43,145 --> 00:23:44,417 - Chopped liver. - Chopped liver. 357 00:23:44,437 --> 00:23:46,565 - Mm-hmm, yeah. - Yeah, that's all. 358 00:23:46,606 --> 00:23:48,316 Chopped liver. 359 00:23:48,358 --> 00:23:49,651 Good. Chopped liver. 360 00:23:49,693 --> 00:23:50,715 Number one, chopped liver. 361 00:23:50,735 --> 00:23:53,239 - Phase one. - Phase one. 362 00:23:55,992 --> 00:23:58,202 I wonder... I wonder if you would do me a great favor. 363 00:23:58,244 --> 00:23:58,976 What? 364 00:23:58,996 --> 00:24:03,791 Well, you see, if all these phases lead to fornication, 365 00:24:03,833 --> 00:24:07,212 um, would you mind writing down all the things 366 00:24:07,254 --> 00:24:11,300 that I must avoid, in the right order? 367 00:24:11,341 --> 00:24:12,551 If it's not too much trouble. 368 00:24:12,593 --> 00:24:15,220 Oh, no, listen, I'd be glad to do it. 369 00:24:15,262 --> 00:24:18,975 Um, now what you want... you want a list here, right? 370 00:24:19,017 --> 00:24:20,518 - Mm-hmm. - Mm-hmm. 371 00:24:20,560 --> 00:24:21,519 Of everything you're not supposed to do. 372 00:24:21,561 --> 00:24:22,520 Everything to avoid. 373 00:24:22,562 --> 00:24:24,814 - Okay. - Um, well, number one... 374 00:24:24,856 --> 00:24:27,234 Yeah? 375 00:24:27,276 --> 00:24:30,112 Um, number one, 376 00:24:30,154 --> 00:24:32,031 we went through it already, is kissing, right? 377 00:24:32,072 --> 00:24:33,574 - Kissing. - Right? 378 00:24:33,616 --> 00:24:35,826 So... right, kissing. 379 00:24:35,868 --> 00:24:38,287 Now, number two, 380 00:24:40,248 --> 00:24:43,460 take hold of the, uh... 381 00:24:43,501 --> 00:24:45,420 Bumpy bits. 382 00:24:45,462 --> 00:24:48,798 - Yeah. Shh. - Take it, but not like that. 383 00:24:48,840 --> 00:24:49,863 You could hurt someone like that. 384 00:24:49,883 --> 00:24:51,385 It's not a claw. 385 00:24:51,427 --> 00:24:54,388 It's a very gentle kind of movement. 386 00:24:54,430 --> 00:24:56,599 You know, it's like a very caressing... 387 00:24:56,641 --> 00:24:59,227 Mmm. Mmm. 388 00:24:59,268 --> 00:25:01,103 - Mmm. - Oh, that's very nice. 389 00:25:01,145 --> 00:25:02,856 - Mmm. - Mmm, that's good. 390 00:25:02,898 --> 00:25:03,649 That's good. That's good. 391 00:25:03,690 --> 00:25:04,900 Okay. 392 00:25:04,942 --> 00:25:05,859 Number two, right. 393 00:25:05,901 --> 00:25:07,194 Mmm. 394 00:25:07,236 --> 00:25:07,694 - No, it's okay. - You can stop that. 395 00:25:07,736 --> 00:25:09,488 Just keep it to yourself. Okay? 396 00:25:09,529 --> 00:25:12,199 - I... I've got it. - Take hold of the bits. 397 00:25:12,241 --> 00:25:13,806 - I'll just put... you'll remember, right? - Okay. 398 00:25:13,826 --> 00:25:16,496 - Now, number three... - Yeah. 399 00:25:16,537 --> 00:25:18,748 Now, number three is very technical. 400 00:25:18,790 --> 00:25:21,417 - Yeah. - So I'm gonna draw you a diagram in number three, okay? 401 00:25:21,459 --> 00:25:23,878 Now, this is a picture of a woman. 402 00:25:23,920 --> 00:25:25,547 - Aha. Yes. - I can see the bumpy bits. 403 00:25:25,589 --> 00:25:27,800 No, those are the puffed sleeves. 404 00:25:27,841 --> 00:25:29,134 - She's wearing a dress. - Oh. 405 00:25:29,176 --> 00:25:30,552 And then you make love. 406 00:25:30,594 --> 00:25:31,700 I don't know why you always get that one wrong. 407 00:25:31,720 --> 00:25:32,972 - Oh. - You get into bed first. 408 00:25:33,013 --> 00:25:34,098 - Bed. - Then make love. 409 00:25:34,139 --> 00:25:35,454 - Oh. - Use your logic on that one. 410 00:25:35,474 --> 00:25:37,560 - So my 74 goes where my 75 was. - Yes. 411 00:25:37,602 --> 00:25:39,584 'Cause, you know, making love's supposed to be spontaneous. 412 00:25:39,604 --> 00:25:41,086 Why do you think there are hundreds of books out 413 00:25:41,106 --> 00:25:42,607 on how to do it right? 414 00:25:42,649 --> 00:25:44,484 Well, this is where I live. 415 00:25:44,526 --> 00:25:47,321 Oh. Oh, good night. 416 00:25:47,363 --> 00:25:50,157 - Yeah. - Uh, where you staying tonight? 417 00:25:50,199 --> 00:25:51,514 - Oh, I don't know. - I'll find somewhere. 418 00:25:51,534 --> 00:25:52,702 Sure you'll be all right? 419 00:25:52,743 --> 00:25:54,328 - Oh, yeah. - I've got lots of money. 420 00:25:54,370 --> 00:25:56,372 The Abbott gave me more than $50. 421 00:25:56,414 --> 00:25:57,415 I have... 422 00:26:01,962 --> 00:26:03,088 No more. 423 00:26:03,130 --> 00:26:04,673 What? 424 00:26:04,715 --> 00:26:06,216 No, it's nothing. 425 00:26:06,258 --> 00:26:08,844 Okay. Bye. 426 00:26:08,885 --> 00:26:10,555 - Good night. - Good night. 427 00:26:41,421 --> 00:26:45,176 Number one, chopped liver, kissing. 428 00:26:46,927 --> 00:26:49,180 Number two, 429 00:26:49,221 --> 00:26:54,894 mmm, mmm, mmm. 430 00:26:54,935 --> 00:26:57,481 Number three... number three was... 431 00:26:59,691 --> 00:27:01,777 Oh, so many things to remember to avoid. 432 00:27:01,818 --> 00:27:04,529 Hello, God, it's me, Ambrose. 433 00:27:04,571 --> 00:27:07,825 Sorry to bother You, but if You wanted us 434 00:27:07,867 --> 00:27:11,621 to ignore fleshly sins, why did You make us out of meat? 435 00:27:11,662 --> 00:27:13,478 I mean, You could have made us out of anything. 436 00:27:13,498 --> 00:27:16,042 You could have made us out of burlap, or rubber, 437 00:27:16,084 --> 00:27:18,962 or wood, Jell-O, anything. 438 00:27:19,004 --> 00:27:21,048 I know. 439 00:27:21,090 --> 00:27:22,758 You work in mysterious ways. 440 00:27:22,800 --> 00:27:24,218 Be we don't. 441 00:27:24,259 --> 00:27:27,179 Human beings, I mean. 442 00:27:27,221 --> 00:27:28,555 Tomorrow night, I'll take you 443 00:27:28,597 --> 00:27:31,059 to see Armageddon T. Thunderbird if you want. 444 00:27:31,101 --> 00:27:32,769 By the way, what's your name? 445 00:27:32,811 --> 00:27:34,771 Ambrose. 446 00:27:34,813 --> 00:27:36,398 Good night, Ambrose. 447 00:27:36,439 --> 00:27:38,400 My name is Mary. 448 00:27:40,068 --> 00:27:42,363 Mary? 449 00:27:46,992 --> 00:27:49,745 I can't stand it anymore. Can't stand it. 450 00:27:54,167 --> 00:27:55,627 What are you doing in there? 451 00:27:55,669 --> 00:27:57,921 The Abbot said if everything else fails, 452 00:27:57,963 --> 00:28:02,050 cold shower will do it. 453 00:28:02,092 --> 00:28:04,052 Bumpy bits. 454 00:28:05,847 --> 00:28:07,473 Mmm. Mmm. 455 00:28:07,515 --> 00:28:09,016 Ooh. Ooh. 456 00:28:41,510 --> 00:28:44,138 - Heh. - With a chicken. 457 00:28:46,390 --> 00:28:47,850 Get out of here, you filthy swine. 458 00:28:47,892 --> 00:28:49,518 Out. 459 00:28:51,104 --> 00:28:53,356 Next. Serving number 12. 460 00:28:57,444 --> 00:28:59,279 Serving number 12. 461 00:29:09,123 --> 00:29:11,167 Kneel down and make it snappy. 462 00:29:11,209 --> 00:29:16,340 Cut the frills and get straight to the meat and potatoes. 463 00:29:16,381 --> 00:29:18,675 Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. 464 00:29:18,717 --> 00:29:19,927 Yes, yes. 465 00:29:21,345 --> 00:29:23,764 Oh... oh, won't you wh... whine to me about it. 466 00:29:23,805 --> 00:29:27,101 You want to whine about this, and you whine about that. 467 00:29:27,143 --> 00:29:30,438 And the, uh, oh... 468 00:29:30,480 --> 00:29:32,732 ah, death and transfiguration. 469 00:29:32,774 --> 00:29:35,151 Don't worry about me. 470 00:29:35,193 --> 00:29:38,197 Uh, if you'll just start, and I'll get the... 471 00:29:38,239 --> 00:29:39,949 I'll get the general drift. 472 00:29:39,990 --> 00:29:44,078 Last night, Father, I was tormented by an impure thought. 473 00:29:44,119 --> 00:29:45,412 I can't hear you. 474 00:29:45,454 --> 00:29:48,875 I said I was tormented by an impure thought. 475 00:29:48,917 --> 00:29:51,753 Could you... could you speak up, please? 476 00:29:51,795 --> 00:29:53,630 I... it was about Mary. 477 00:29:53,672 --> 00:29:55,298 What? Louder. 478 00:29:55,340 --> 00:29:57,926 Mary, I wanted to take her clothes off. 479 00:29:57,968 --> 00:30:00,638 You wanted to do what? Speak up. I can't hear you! 480 00:30:00,680 --> 00:30:02,932 I wanted to take her clothes off. 481 00:30:02,974 --> 00:30:04,350 You are mumbling! 482 00:30:04,392 --> 00:30:06,269 I wanted to take her clothes off 483 00:30:06,310 --> 00:30:08,729 and caress her bumpy bits. 484 00:30:08,771 --> 00:30:10,315 - Her what? - Bits. 485 00:30:10,357 --> 00:30:12,734 Fondly, you know, mmm. 486 00:30:12,776 --> 00:30:16,488 - What? - You know, number three. 487 00:30:16,530 --> 00:30:20,033 And then I wanted to try number 30. 488 00:30:20,075 --> 00:30:24,330 Or... or... or maybe do number 15 twice instead. 489 00:30:24,372 --> 00:30:27,000 And then I wanted to take her by the... 490 00:30:28,501 --> 00:30:29,502 And... 491 00:30:30,545 --> 00:30:33,424 Both her... again and again 492 00:30:33,465 --> 00:30:36,885 until I was exhausted. 493 00:30:38,095 --> 00:30:40,431 But I'm a monk, Father. 494 00:30:40,472 --> 00:30:42,391 What shall I do? 495 00:30:42,433 --> 00:30:45,478 I didn't hear a damned word you said. 496 00:30:45,520 --> 00:30:47,063 That'll be, uh... 497 00:30:47,105 --> 00:30:48,607 I'm afraid I only have, uh... 498 00:30:48,648 --> 00:30:50,859 - Two dollars. - Here, I will have that. 499 00:30:50,900 --> 00:30:52,777 Uh, have a nice day. 500 00:31:23,561 --> 00:31:25,605 Do you believe in God? 501 00:31:34,073 --> 00:31:37,660 The Church of Divine Profit humbly presents 502 00:31:37,701 --> 00:31:41,581 the Armageddon T. Thunderbird Crusade. 503 00:31:41,623 --> 00:31:46,294 And here he is, God's buddy, A.T.T. himself. 504 00:31:49,756 --> 00:31:52,634 Do you love God? 505 00:31:52,676 --> 00:31:54,595 Yes! 506 00:31:54,637 --> 00:31:57,765 I mean, do you really love God? 507 00:31:57,807 --> 00:31:59,100 Yes! 508 00:31:59,141 --> 00:32:00,810 Has He been good to you? 509 00:32:00,851 --> 00:32:02,478 Yes. 510 00:32:02,520 --> 00:32:04,188 I thought so. 511 00:32:04,230 --> 00:32:06,650 And have you been good to Him? 512 00:32:06,692 --> 00:32:07,943 Yes. 513 00:32:07,984 --> 00:32:09,569 Oh, really? 514 00:32:09,611 --> 00:32:11,780 Yes. 515 00:32:11,822 --> 00:32:14,324 - Liars. - No! 516 00:32:14,366 --> 00:32:18,705 'Cause I just spoke to Him, and do you have any idea where He is right now? 517 00:32:18,746 --> 00:32:20,289 No. 518 00:32:20,331 --> 00:32:22,875 God is in the hospital. 519 00:32:25,795 --> 00:32:28,132 In the Intensive Care Unit. 520 00:32:28,173 --> 00:32:29,675 And do you know who put Him there? 521 00:32:29,717 --> 00:32:31,009 No. 522 00:32:31,051 --> 00:32:33,303 Y-O-U. 523 00:32:38,559 --> 00:32:40,729 He... he looked so pale. 524 00:32:49,571 --> 00:32:52,241 Why are you cryin'? 525 00:32:52,283 --> 00:32:53,743 Isn't that what you wanted? 526 00:32:53,784 --> 00:32:55,494 No! 527 00:32:55,536 --> 00:32:56,684 Do you wanna see Him pull through? 528 00:32:56,704 --> 00:32:58,497 Yes! 529 00:32:58,539 --> 00:33:01,500 All right. I said to Him, I am your servant, Lord. 530 00:33:01,542 --> 00:33:03,295 What do You want? 531 00:33:03,336 --> 00:33:06,339 Everything, Armageddon, everything. 532 00:33:06,381 --> 00:33:09,301 I need money to put it right. 533 00:33:09,342 --> 00:33:13,765 But what will You give them in return? I queried. 534 00:33:13,806 --> 00:33:18,770 And then He said, I will assure them a place forever 535 00:33:18,811 --> 00:33:21,105 in the kingdom of heaven. 536 00:33:23,399 --> 00:33:26,904 And that's... and that's rent free. 537 00:33:26,945 --> 00:33:29,782 Now, doesn't that sound like a good deal? 538 00:33:29,823 --> 00:33:31,450 Yeah! 539 00:33:31,492 --> 00:33:35,662 Well, then put thy money where is thy mouth. 540 00:33:35,704 --> 00:33:38,875 And I'm not just askin' the people here in the studio audience. 541 00:33:38,917 --> 00:33:43,838 I'm askin' you, you, and you. 542 00:33:46,966 --> 00:33:51,138 ♪ In God we trust ♪ 543 00:33:51,180 --> 00:33:54,767 ♪ Invest in Him on high ♪ 544 00:33:54,809 --> 00:33:58,562 ♪ God's sweetest buy ♪ 545 00:33:58,604 --> 00:34:03,068 ♪ Is in the by-and-by ♪ 546 00:34:03,109 --> 00:34:06,613 ♪ Each buck you give ♪ 547 00:34:06,655 --> 00:34:11,118 ♪ Shall be tax free therefore ♪ 548 00:34:11,160 --> 00:34:14,872 ♪ And shall returneth thee ♪ 549 00:34:14,914 --> 00:34:19,252 ♪ Ten thousandfold, oh, yes ♪ 550 00:34:19,293 --> 00:34:22,965 ♪ And shall returneth thee ♪ 551 00:34:23,006 --> 00:34:28,470 ♪ Ten thousandfold. ♪ 552 00:34:37,814 --> 00:34:39,816 I didn't understand a word he was talking about. 553 00:34:39,858 --> 00:34:42,068 Supposed to be a Christian. 554 00:34:42,110 --> 00:34:43,945 I... I don't understand. 555 00:34:43,987 --> 00:34:47,241 This is awfully confusing for you, isn't it? 556 00:34:47,283 --> 00:34:49,368 It is a bit. 557 00:34:49,410 --> 00:34:52,872 Well, I think you've had a big day. 558 00:34:52,913 --> 00:34:55,291 And I think you should go to sleep now, okay? 559 00:34:55,332 --> 00:34:57,377 You look sweet in pink. 560 00:34:57,419 --> 00:34:59,921 Mmm. 561 00:34:59,963 --> 00:35:02,883 I'm gonna go and see him tomorrow. 562 00:35:02,924 --> 00:35:05,302 You're gonna go see Armageddon? 563 00:35:05,343 --> 00:35:06,803 Mm-hmm. 564 00:35:06,845 --> 00:35:11,183 When he understands, he'll help. 565 00:35:12,268 --> 00:35:14,770 Poor Ambrose. 566 00:35:14,812 --> 00:35:18,984 I wonder if God will ever forgive you your virtues. 567 00:35:27,242 --> 00:35:28,952 Excuse me. 568 00:36:00,195 --> 00:36:01,843 Good afternoon. I'd... I'd like to see Mr. Thunderbird. I... 569 00:36:01,863 --> 00:36:03,281 - Not today. - He's too busy. 570 00:36:03,323 --> 00:36:04,346 No. I... I have this letter from... 571 00:36:04,366 --> 00:36:05,389 - from the Abbot. - Get out of here. 572 00:36:05,409 --> 00:36:06,535 I'm... I'm one of the meek. 573 00:36:06,577 --> 00:36:08,287 I'm supposed to inherit the Earth. 574 00:36:08,329 --> 00:36:09,497 You've got it. 575 00:36:20,509 --> 00:36:22,678 You just don't understand, Ambrose. 576 00:36:22,719 --> 00:36:24,179 I understand I don't understand. 577 00:36:24,221 --> 00:36:25,514 But what don't I understand? 578 00:36:25,555 --> 00:36:27,392 Well, the meek may inherit the Earth but not 579 00:36:27,433 --> 00:36:29,143 until the strong are finished with it. 580 00:36:29,185 --> 00:36:31,354 And by that time, it won't even be worth having. 581 00:36:31,396 --> 00:36:32,772 I'll get in to see him finally. 582 00:36:32,814 --> 00:36:33,982 But it could take weeks. 583 00:36:34,023 --> 00:36:35,358 I'll get a job in the meantime. 584 00:36:35,400 --> 00:36:35,881 Look, is there anything in the paper? 585 00:36:35,901 --> 00:36:39,196 - Oh, look, Ambrose, listen. - What? 586 00:36:39,238 --> 00:36:40,864 - You don't need to work. - I mean, look, 587 00:36:40,906 --> 00:36:43,117 you could come and stay at my place, right? 588 00:36:43,158 --> 00:36:45,577 I really do make enough money for both of us. 589 00:36:45,619 --> 00:36:47,413 - W... what do you do? - What? 590 00:36:47,454 --> 00:36:49,748 Well, for a living, what do you do? 591 00:36:49,790 --> 00:36:52,627 Oh, uh, I wouldn't even concern myself about that if I were you. 592 00:36:52,669 --> 00:36:55,839 Well, maybe you could get me a job doing it with you. 593 00:36:55,880 --> 00:36:57,507 Well, I could look into it. 594 00:36:57,549 --> 00:36:59,801 I'm good with my hands. 595 00:38:04,997 --> 00:38:06,832 - Hey. Hey. - Come back. 596 00:38:06,874 --> 00:38:09,710 Dr. Melmoth. 597 00:38:09,752 --> 00:38:11,379 Philistine. 598 00:38:26,854 --> 00:38:29,273 All right, monk. 599 00:38:35,948 --> 00:38:39,076 All right. I'm going. 600 00:38:44,916 --> 00:38:47,710 Hi. You look so nauseous. 601 00:38:47,752 --> 00:38:49,921 Thanks, but I feel rotten. 602 00:38:49,963 --> 00:38:52,549 Oh, Ambrose, how many times you gonna keep on trying? 603 00:38:52,590 --> 00:38:54,509 Well, till I get in and see him. 604 00:38:54,551 --> 00:38:56,242 You see, if I could show him the Abbot's letter, 605 00:38:56,262 --> 00:38:57,596 - and then I'd... - I got an idea. 606 00:38:57,638 --> 00:38:59,358 Couldn't you just pray to God for the money? 607 00:38:59,390 --> 00:38:59,974 No, no. 608 00:39:00,015 --> 00:39:02,518 No, ask for money, and you spoil a friendship. 609 00:39:02,560 --> 00:39:04,270 No, I've gotta see him personally. 610 00:39:04,311 --> 00:39:07,022 Mr. Thunderbird will understand. He's a Christian. 611 00:39:07,064 --> 00:39:10,777 No, being born in a Christian home doesn't necessarily 612 00:39:10,819 --> 00:39:12,904 make you Christian any more than being born 613 00:39:12,946 --> 00:39:15,824 - in a bakery makes you a bagel. - Hmm? 614 00:39:15,866 --> 00:39:18,098 I mean, maybe Mr. Thunderbird just isn't even interested 615 00:39:18,118 --> 00:39:19,704 in your old monastery. 616 00:39:19,745 --> 00:39:21,914 No, no. If I could get in to see him personally, 617 00:39:21,956 --> 00:39:24,250 I'll get in eventually. I'll get in. I'll get in. 618 00:39:24,292 --> 00:39:25,731 - But it could take months. - All right. 619 00:39:25,751 --> 00:39:27,024 In the meantime, I can just get another job. 620 00:39:27,044 --> 00:39:28,379 I mean, what can I lose? 621 00:39:28,421 --> 00:39:31,175 Nothing, just another job. 622 00:39:32,759 --> 00:39:36,305 ♪ Every time it rains, it rains pennies from heaven ♪ 623 00:39:36,346 --> 00:39:37,764 ♪ Oh, do, dee, da ♪ 624 00:39:37,806 --> 00:39:41,268 ♪ Every time, do, dee, da, da, dee, la, da, da ♪ 625 00:39:41,310 --> 00:39:44,105 ♪ Oh, dee, dee, dum, da, dum, dum, da, dee, da, dum, dum... ♪ 626 00:39:44,147 --> 00:39:45,503 - Good morning. - Oh, good morning. 627 00:39:45,523 --> 00:39:47,317 Don't you ever rest? 628 00:39:47,358 --> 00:39:48,860 I can't afford to lose time. 629 00:39:48,902 --> 00:39:50,945 It's Pasadena by next Wednesday. 630 00:39:50,987 --> 00:39:52,363 That's my schedule. 631 00:39:52,405 --> 00:39:54,825 You know, a man's got to have a goal. 632 00:39:54,867 --> 00:39:57,536 Otherwise, we've got communism. 633 00:39:57,578 --> 00:40:01,665 And I'm tap dancing to keep this great land of ours free. 634 00:40:01,707 --> 00:40:03,500 I'll see you sometime. 635 00:40:03,542 --> 00:40:04,543 - Good luck. - So long. 636 00:40:04,586 --> 00:40:05,545 - Step right up. - Step up, sinners. 637 00:40:05,587 --> 00:40:06,171 Step right up and repent. 638 00:40:06,213 --> 00:40:08,673 Do not cop a plea unto the Almighty, saying, 639 00:40:08,715 --> 00:40:10,717 oh, Lord, I'm but a poor sinner. 640 00:40:10,759 --> 00:40:12,490 For the Lord will say unto thee, bullshit, my child. 641 00:40:12,510 --> 00:40:14,554 His eye is on the sparrow, so you can bet your ass 642 00:40:14,596 --> 00:40:16,891 He's got you covered, Jim, and you and you. 643 00:40:16,933 --> 00:40:20,228 So step right up and find the Lord, a buck a throw. 644 00:40:20,269 --> 00:40:22,355 Yes, the Lord is here in my hand. 645 00:40:22,396 --> 00:40:23,419 Everyone wants to find the Lord. 646 00:40:23,439 --> 00:40:24,941 The Lord goes into hiding. 647 00:40:24,982 --> 00:40:26,255 And those who seek him will find him. 648 00:40:26,275 --> 00:40:28,612 Where is he now? Try thy luck. 649 00:40:28,654 --> 00:40:30,614 Find the Lord. Who will find the Lord? 650 00:40:30,656 --> 00:40:31,615 It's a wonderful game. Everybody wins. 651 00:40:31,657 --> 00:40:32,241 Everybody goes to heaven. 652 00:40:32,282 --> 00:40:34,076 Try thy luck, a lousy buck to find the Lord. 653 00:40:34,117 --> 00:40:35,494 Aha. 654 00:40:35,535 --> 00:40:36,995 Ah, yes, sir, and now where is he? 655 00:40:37,037 --> 00:40:38,830 Oh, no, I'm sorry. 656 00:40:38,872 --> 00:40:40,104 The Lord is not there, but a blessing to you, too. 657 00:40:40,124 --> 00:40:41,251 The game continues. 658 00:40:41,292 --> 00:40:41,751 Try thy luck. 659 00:40:41,793 --> 00:40:43,920 - Dr. Melmoth. - He stole my money. 660 00:40:43,962 --> 00:40:45,463 - Excuse me. - He's a thief. 661 00:40:45,505 --> 00:40:47,070 - This man is a heretic. - Don't listen to him. 662 00:40:47,090 --> 00:40:48,216 He's obviously deranged. 663 00:40:48,258 --> 00:40:49,884 - Stop him. Stop him. - He's a thief. 664 00:40:49,926 --> 00:40:50,970 Give me my money back. 665 00:40:51,011 --> 00:40:52,513 Get outta here. 666 00:40:52,554 --> 00:40:54,932 Fanatic. Vegetarian! 667 00:40:54,974 --> 00:40:56,809 I'll keep up the Lord's work. 668 00:40:56,850 --> 00:40:58,352 - Oh, oof. - And get away from me. 669 00:40:58,394 --> 00:40:59,792 Get away from me, you Moabite, you snake worshipper. 670 00:40:59,812 --> 00:41:02,482 Ah. Ooh. 671 00:41:02,524 --> 00:41:06,861 And a holy man such as yourself should descend to violence. 672 00:41:08,363 --> 00:41:11,283 In the name... in the name of all that's sacred, 673 00:41:11,324 --> 00:41:13,786 let me up, you little asshole. 674 00:41:17,498 --> 00:41:19,959 You should be disgusted with yourself. 675 00:41:20,001 --> 00:41:22,962 - Oh, I am. - I am. I am. 676 00:41:23,004 --> 00:41:24,588 Pray for me. 677 00:41:24,631 --> 00:41:28,927 Let thy hand, which is raised in violence, 678 00:41:28,969 --> 00:41:33,724 clasp its brother and, in heavenly supplication, even as I do, 679 00:41:33,765 --> 00:41:39,397 Father, forgive him, for he knoweth not what he doeth. 680 00:41:39,439 --> 00:41:44,861 Forgive me even more, for I knoweth. 681 00:41:46,946 --> 00:41:48,574 Take that, monk. 682 00:41:54,955 --> 00:41:57,875 - Wait for me. - Stop. Wait for me! 683 00:42:01,379 --> 00:42:03,089 Of course I forgive you. 684 00:42:03,131 --> 00:42:05,050 But I still don't know what I'm doing here. 685 00:42:05,091 --> 00:42:07,073 Well, look, I'm... I'm offering you the chance of a lifetime, 686 00:42:07,093 --> 00:42:09,721 a full partnership in my church for nothing. 687 00:42:09,763 --> 00:42:12,141 Why me? 688 00:42:12,183 --> 00:42:14,101 Because you have a certain quality, 689 00:42:14,143 --> 00:42:16,562 a kind of eerie innocence. 690 00:42:16,604 --> 00:42:20,316 People look at you, and they have to believe 691 00:42:20,358 --> 00:42:22,235 there's a better world somewhere. 692 00:42:22,277 --> 00:42:24,613 Besides, I'm slowing down. 693 00:42:24,654 --> 00:42:27,532 Well, could I make enough money to save the monastery? 694 00:42:27,574 --> 00:42:30,285 - I need $5,000. - But, of course. 695 00:42:31,953 --> 00:42:33,581 What have I got to lose? 696 00:42:33,623 --> 00:42:36,959 - Partners. - Partners. 697 00:42:37,001 --> 00:42:38,378 Ha. 698 00:43:08,035 --> 00:43:11,288 Ambrose, hi. 699 00:43:11,330 --> 00:43:12,832 What are you doing here? 700 00:43:12,873 --> 00:43:14,939 Well, thought we could go out tonight and celebrate. 701 00:43:14,959 --> 00:43:16,919 I just can't. 702 00:43:18,170 --> 00:43:19,297 Listen, I'm really sorry. 703 00:43:19,339 --> 00:43:20,570 But it's just, you know, Friday night. 704 00:43:20,590 --> 00:43:21,383 And then, you know, it's my big night. 705 00:43:21,425 --> 00:43:22,634 And I just... 706 00:43:24,428 --> 00:43:26,326 I... I couldn't... I mean, I couldn't just... I mean, 707 00:43:26,346 --> 00:43:28,014 I'm not dressed to go anywhere, you know. 708 00:43:28,056 --> 00:43:29,224 Look. 709 00:43:32,478 --> 00:43:34,564 You look... you look lovely. 710 00:43:34,605 --> 00:43:38,568 Oh, Ambrose, that is so beautiful. 711 00:43:38,609 --> 00:43:42,030 - Shall we go? - I'm sorry. I can't. 712 00:43:42,072 --> 00:43:44,700 Yeah, I understand. 713 00:43:44,741 --> 00:43:46,994 I mean, if you'd rather be here with your friends, 714 00:43:47,035 --> 00:43:49,830 well, hey, that's okay. I can... 715 00:43:49,872 --> 00:43:51,145 - I'll see you later, okay? - See you later. Yeah. 716 00:43:51,165 --> 00:43:53,710 - Okay. I'll see you later. - Okay. 717 00:44:04,722 --> 00:44:06,307 Where are we going? 718 00:44:06,348 --> 00:44:09,268 Oh, well, it's bingo night at the all-night mission, and I... 719 00:44:09,310 --> 00:44:10,686 - I've had it now. - Come on. 720 00:44:10,728 --> 00:44:12,897 It's all right. Come on, baby. 721 00:44:12,938 --> 00:44:15,107 - Stop it! - Come on. 722 00:44:15,149 --> 00:44:17,611 No, you stop that. 723 00:44:19,988 --> 00:44:22,491 Excuse me, sir. 724 00:44:22,532 --> 00:44:23,867 That was very rude. 725 00:44:23,909 --> 00:44:26,453 I'm sure you didn't mean it. 726 00:44:26,495 --> 00:44:30,082 Now, according to, uh, Timothy, 727 00:44:30,124 --> 00:44:33,669 chapter 2, verse 25, be gentle unto all men. 728 00:44:33,711 --> 00:44:35,546 But, of course, that means all women, too. 729 00:44:36,589 --> 00:44:38,049 Oh, what are you doing to him? 730 00:44:38,090 --> 00:44:40,093 Perhaps you prefer St. Matthew. 731 00:44:40,135 --> 00:44:42,679 Thou shalt love thy enemies. 732 00:44:42,721 --> 00:44:46,058 In other words, do unto others as you would have them do unto you. 733 00:44:46,099 --> 00:44:49,269 You wouldn't wish me to do this unto you. 734 00:44:55,276 --> 00:44:58,613 Take the gospel according to St. Mark. 735 00:44:58,655 --> 00:45:01,867 Now, it isn't me you're hurting. It's you. 736 00:45:01,909 --> 00:45:05,329 It's your soul that's in pain, your immortal soul. 737 00:45:08,207 --> 00:45:10,084 Excuse me, sir. 738 00:45:10,125 --> 00:45:15,090 On the other hand, there's the Old Testament. 739 00:45:15,131 --> 00:45:16,508 David and Goliath. 740 00:45:29,063 --> 00:45:31,899 You just don't really understand is that 741 00:45:31,941 --> 00:45:35,820 you can't always have everything just the way you want it. 742 00:45:35,861 --> 00:45:39,157 You know, it may not be the best of all possible worlds, 743 00:45:39,199 --> 00:45:41,535 but it's the only damn one we've got. 744 00:45:41,577 --> 00:45:44,746 That's what my Pop used to say anyway. 745 00:45:44,788 --> 00:45:48,459 What was he like, your Pop? 746 00:45:48,501 --> 00:45:52,463 I don't remember much about him, except his legs. 747 00:45:52,505 --> 00:45:57,552 He had an angel flying up his right leg 748 00:45:57,594 --> 00:46:01,682 and he had a devil crawling down his left leg 749 00:46:01,724 --> 00:46:05,352 and disappearing into his sock. 750 00:46:05,394 --> 00:46:06,729 Huh? 751 00:46:06,770 --> 00:46:07,896 Tattoo. 752 00:46:07,938 --> 00:46:08,856 - Oh. - He had tattoos. 753 00:46:08,897 --> 00:46:10,232 Oh. 754 00:46:10,274 --> 00:46:13,486 He ran out on us when I was three, so... 755 00:46:13,528 --> 00:46:17,073 At least you know who your father was. 756 00:46:17,115 --> 00:46:19,326 I was abandoned on a monastery doorstep. 757 00:46:19,367 --> 00:46:21,661 There was just a little note. 758 00:46:21,703 --> 00:46:24,332 "Attached child is a gift from God. 759 00:46:24,373 --> 00:46:28,127 P.S. Please return to sender." 760 00:46:41,433 --> 00:46:44,227 You... you don't, uh, have to sleep 761 00:46:44,269 --> 00:46:46,939 in the other room if you don't want to tonight. 762 00:46:46,981 --> 00:46:50,526 I mean, you know you could stay in here with me if you like. 763 00:46:53,946 --> 00:46:55,740 Excuse me. 764 00:47:36,368 --> 00:47:38,370 For what we are about to receive, 765 00:47:38,412 --> 00:47:41,623 may the Lord make us truly thankful. 766 00:47:49,006 --> 00:47:52,760 ♪ Hallelujah, Hallelujah ♪ 767 00:47:52,802 --> 00:47:54,179 ♪ Hallelujah, Hallelujah ♪ 768 00:47:54,221 --> 00:47:56,557 ♪ Hallelujah ♪ 769 00:47:56,598 --> 00:47:59,184 ♪ Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah ♪ 770 00:47:59,226 --> 00:48:06,067 ♪ Hallelujah, Hallelujah. ♪ 771 00:48:18,372 --> 00:48:19,623 Good morning. 772 00:48:19,665 --> 00:48:21,333 Morning. 773 00:48:22,918 --> 00:48:24,336 Morning? 774 00:48:24,378 --> 00:48:27,047 Good morning. Hi. 775 00:48:27,089 --> 00:48:28,633 Surprise. 776 00:48:30,886 --> 00:48:33,847 Remember, the first night we met, you said you liked it. 777 00:48:33,889 --> 00:48:36,099 Oh, right. 778 00:48:36,141 --> 00:48:39,604 Aw, thank... oh, look. 779 00:48:39,645 --> 00:48:41,939 Thank you. Thank you. 780 00:48:46,736 --> 00:48:48,738 Mmm. 781 00:48:54,578 --> 00:48:58,540 Mmm. Mmm. So good. 782 00:48:58,582 --> 00:48:59,792 Not too much mustard? 783 00:48:59,833 --> 00:49:01,460 Mm-mm. 784 00:49:01,502 --> 00:49:03,922 I am so full. 785 00:49:03,963 --> 00:49:05,298 Mmm. 786 00:49:06,591 --> 00:49:08,301 Mmm. 787 00:49:08,343 --> 00:49:11,137 Listen, um, about last night, uh, 788 00:49:11,179 --> 00:49:13,891 did I, um, did we... 789 00:49:13,933 --> 00:49:15,476 Mm-hmm. 790 00:49:15,518 --> 00:49:17,186 We went through the whole menu. 791 00:49:18,687 --> 00:49:22,233 You may check off items number one through 75. 792 00:49:22,274 --> 00:49:24,193 Did I really do all that? 793 00:49:24,235 --> 00:49:29,658 - Yeah. Well, not in one go. - Let me put it this way. 794 00:49:29,699 --> 00:49:33,954 See, we both should have arrived at 72 at the same time. 795 00:49:33,995 --> 00:49:37,917 But you got to 72 while I was still, you know, 796 00:49:37,959 --> 00:49:39,961 hangin' around number nine. 797 00:49:40,002 --> 00:49:41,379 But that's just a technicality. 798 00:49:41,420 --> 00:49:43,756 - No, I'm sorry. - No, don't be silly. 799 00:49:43,798 --> 00:49:46,551 You know, nice guys sometimes finish first. 800 00:49:46,592 --> 00:49:49,638 Just think of it as a sin of emission. 801 00:49:49,680 --> 00:49:51,348 You've done this before, haven't you? 802 00:49:51,390 --> 00:49:52,808 I can tell. 803 00:49:52,850 --> 00:49:54,643 You could tell? How? 804 00:49:54,685 --> 00:49:57,312 You kept screaming, get to 11, get to 11. 805 00:49:57,354 --> 00:49:59,107 Did I do that? 806 00:49:59,148 --> 00:50:00,400 Get to 11, yeah. 807 00:50:00,441 --> 00:50:02,527 Oh, I'm sorry. 808 00:50:02,569 --> 00:50:05,780 It's just, well, I guess number 11 809 00:50:05,822 --> 00:50:08,366 has always been one of my favorites. 810 00:50:10,118 --> 00:50:14,665 Listen, Ambrose, I don't wanna upset you, but... 811 00:50:14,707 --> 00:50:16,292 What? 812 00:50:18,752 --> 00:50:20,796 I have to be honest with you. 813 00:50:20,838 --> 00:50:22,257 What? 814 00:50:22,299 --> 00:50:25,135 I'm a hooker. 815 00:50:25,176 --> 00:50:25,886 - Well, I know. - A harlot. 816 00:50:25,927 --> 00:50:27,220 I know. 817 00:50:27,262 --> 00:50:28,847 I'm like a whore from your Bible. 818 00:50:28,889 --> 00:50:30,056 - Yeah, I know. - You know? 819 00:50:30,098 --> 00:50:32,225 I worked it out. 820 00:50:32,267 --> 00:50:33,978 And you're not shocked? 821 00:50:34,020 --> 00:50:35,563 About what? 822 00:50:35,605 --> 00:50:37,982 That... me being a hooker. 823 00:50:38,024 --> 00:50:39,859 No. 824 00:50:39,901 --> 00:50:43,446 It's just the outside world is nothing like anything 825 00:50:43,487 --> 00:50:44,780 I was taught in the monastery. 826 00:50:44,822 --> 00:50:46,783 I'm just a bit, well, confused, you know. 827 00:50:46,825 --> 00:50:49,369 So you mean you do have doubts, huh? 828 00:50:49,411 --> 00:50:51,496 Mm, doubts are about the only certainties 829 00:50:51,538 --> 00:50:53,540 I have right now, you know? 830 00:50:53,582 --> 00:50:56,586 So then you'll be going, uh, back to the monastery? 831 00:50:56,628 --> 00:50:59,297 Eventually, yeah. 832 00:50:59,339 --> 00:51:01,215 I mean, it's my home. 833 00:51:01,257 --> 00:51:05,178 When are you gonna go? 834 00:51:05,219 --> 00:51:06,763 After I see Mr. Thunderbird. 835 00:51:12,978 --> 00:51:16,774 Well, I suppose I better get dressed. 836 00:51:28,453 --> 00:51:31,791 By the way, um, I think I love you. 837 00:51:31,832 --> 00:51:33,417 Do you mind? 838 00:51:33,459 --> 00:51:35,419 Heh. 839 00:51:35,461 --> 00:51:38,297 Do I mind? 840 00:52:09,289 --> 00:52:13,127 Potsville, the string cheese capital of the world. 841 00:52:13,168 --> 00:52:17,924 Aha. Where there is string cheese, sin cannot be far behind. 842 00:52:20,427 --> 00:52:23,096 Good afternoon, idle sinners of Potsville. 843 00:52:23,138 --> 00:52:26,433 Salvation is at hand. 844 00:52:26,474 --> 00:52:28,075 Let Dr. Melmoth bring peace to your souls 845 00:52:28,102 --> 00:52:29,895 through the Good Book. 846 00:52:32,606 --> 00:52:35,151 Good afternoon, voters of Potsville. 847 00:52:35,192 --> 00:52:37,069 Let Mayor Dwork bring peace to your city 848 00:52:37,111 --> 00:52:39,197 through law and order. 849 00:52:39,239 --> 00:52:43,285 I say... I say put the lazy bums to work and get 'em off welfare. 850 00:52:43,326 --> 00:52:46,288 For their welfare is my concern, sayeth the Lord. 851 00:52:46,329 --> 00:52:48,623 For the Lord's way is the way of right. 852 00:52:48,665 --> 00:52:51,294 The Lord is coming through. 853 00:52:51,335 --> 00:52:53,713 - Like hell he is. - He hasn't got right-of-way. 854 00:52:53,755 --> 00:52:55,528 He don't give preference over the Grand Old Party. 855 00:52:55,548 --> 00:52:57,091 Back off, lard-ass. 856 00:52:57,133 --> 00:52:58,718 Up thine, Brother. 857 00:52:58,760 --> 00:53:01,304 Yeah? You gonna move that heap of crap? 858 00:53:01,345 --> 00:53:02,848 No. 859 00:53:06,727 --> 00:53:10,147 Okay. So it's dirty pool you want. 860 00:53:10,189 --> 00:53:13,610 Well, the Lord knows that game, too. 861 00:53:13,651 --> 00:53:17,864 All right. It's God versus democracy. 862 00:53:17,906 --> 00:53:21,284 Yee-haw. 863 00:53:23,536 --> 00:53:26,624 Commie Jesus freaks! 864 00:53:31,420 --> 00:53:33,547 Yee-haw! 865 00:53:35,174 --> 00:53:40,388 All right, Cox. 866 00:53:40,430 --> 00:53:42,641 God wins every time. 867 00:53:50,316 --> 00:53:54,153 ♪ Onward, Christian soldiers ♪ 868 00:53:54,195 --> 00:53:57,949 ♪ Marching on to war ♪ 869 00:53:57,990 --> 00:54:01,286 ♪ With the cross of Jesus ♪ 870 00:54:01,328 --> 00:54:06,208 ♪ Going on before ♪ 871 00:54:06,250 --> 00:54:12,924 ♪ Amen ♪ 872 00:54:12,966 --> 00:54:17,679 And now, sinners, when ye entered herein, 873 00:54:17,720 --> 00:54:23,102 did ye not turn unto yeselves and say, 874 00:54:23,144 --> 00:54:26,147 why has he locked the door? 875 00:54:26,188 --> 00:54:26,856 I'll tell you why. 876 00:54:26,897 --> 00:54:33,864 Because it is too easy to turn from the Lord and run. 877 00:54:33,905 --> 00:54:39,369 Moses, when he saw the burning bush, did not turn and run. 878 00:54:39,411 --> 00:54:45,835 No, I did not turn and run when I saw the burning bush. 879 00:54:45,877 --> 00:54:47,753 Aye, who's that? 880 00:54:47,795 --> 00:54:51,007 Why, who could that be? 881 00:54:51,048 --> 00:54:54,385 Why, it's Moses himself. 882 00:54:58,849 --> 00:55:02,477 Let's hear it for him, wonderful Biblical prophet. 883 00:55:02,519 --> 00:55:04,376 What happened to you when you saw the burning bush? 884 00:55:04,396 --> 00:55:07,316 - I was God-struck. - You were what? 885 00:55:07,357 --> 00:55:08,943 God-struck. 886 00:55:08,985 --> 00:55:11,613 You mean you were dumbstruck, dummy. 887 00:55:11,654 --> 00:55:14,657 Well, that's what I thought I said. 888 00:55:14,699 --> 00:55:17,118 Seriously... seriously, that concludes... thank you. 889 00:55:17,160 --> 00:55:20,080 Whew. 890 00:55:20,122 --> 00:55:22,521 And now that concludes the entertainment portion of our show. 891 00:55:22,541 --> 00:55:26,295 And, uh, for the next segment, uh, we shall all join 892 00:55:26,337 --> 00:55:29,757 little Moses in singing "We Shall Gather by the River" 893 00:55:29,798 --> 00:55:33,303 whilst I partake of some communion wine 894 00:55:33,345 --> 00:55:38,558 and a very fine Puerto Ricanyo cigar simultaneously. 895 00:55:40,602 --> 00:55:41,728 Thank you. Thank you. 896 00:55:43,940 --> 00:55:45,650 Hit it, Professor. 897 00:55:47,318 --> 00:55:50,613 ♪ We shall gather at the river ♪ 898 00:55:50,655 --> 00:55:54,618 ♪ The beautiful, the beautiful river ♪ 899 00:55:54,660 --> 00:55:58,038 ♪ Gather with the saints at the river ♪ 900 00:55:58,080 --> 00:56:01,917 ♪ That flows by the throne of God ♪ 901 00:56:01,959 --> 00:56:05,505 ♪ Shall we gather at the river ♪ 902 00:56:05,546 --> 00:56:09,592 ♪ Where bright angel feet have trod ♪ 903 00:56:09,634 --> 00:56:13,304 ♪ With its crystal tide forever ♪ 904 00:56:13,346 --> 00:56:16,850 ♪ Flowing by the throne of God ♪ 905 00:56:16,892 --> 00:56:20,437 ♪ We shall gather at the river ♪ 906 00:56:20,479 --> 00:56:24,483 ♪ The beautiful, the beautiful river ♪ 907 00:56:24,525 --> 00:56:28,780 ♪ Gather with the saints at the river that flows ♪ 908 00:56:28,822 --> 00:56:32,117 ♪ By the throne of God ♪ 909 00:57:09,657 --> 00:57:13,119 ♪ We shall gather at the river ♪ 910 00:57:13,161 --> 00:57:16,707 ♪ The beautiful, the beautiful river ♪ 911 00:57:16,749 --> 00:57:20,586 ♪ Gather with the saints at the river ♪ 912 00:57:20,627 --> 00:57:21,987 ♪ That flows by the throne of God ♪ 913 00:57:24,506 --> 00:57:29,804 ♪ That flows by the throne of God... ♪ 914 00:57:29,846 --> 00:57:35,101 ♪ Amen ♪ 915 00:57:45,154 --> 00:57:47,406 Taped this for you earlier, A.T.T. 916 00:57:47,448 --> 00:57:49,826 We thought you might be interested. 917 00:57:51,953 --> 00:57:55,123 In Peru today, 5,000 died in an earthquake. 918 00:57:55,165 --> 00:57:58,877 There's news of a train crash in Turkey which killed 400. 919 00:57:58,919 --> 00:58:01,839 But it's going to be another lovely day tomorrow 920 00:58:01,881 --> 00:58:06,928 with temperatures in the high '70s, so mostly it's good news. 921 00:58:06,969 --> 00:58:11,392 On the local front, a mobile church crashed in mid-service into a lake in Orange County. 922 00:58:11,433 --> 00:58:13,143 Fortunately, nobody was hurt, 923 00:58:13,185 --> 00:58:15,229 but one of the promoters in this scheme, 924 00:58:15,270 --> 00:58:19,274 a Dr. Sebastian Melmoth, here seen baptizing the survivors, 925 00:58:19,316 --> 00:58:21,819 described it as an act of God and said 926 00:58:21,860 --> 00:58:25,198 he's considering suing God's business manager, the Pope. 927 00:58:25,240 --> 00:58:27,742 His partner, a Brother Ambrose, an alleged monk, 928 00:58:27,784 --> 00:58:29,077 was not available for comments. 929 00:58:29,119 --> 00:58:31,204 Prayer mobiles. 930 00:58:31,246 --> 00:58:34,333 Thought we'd just run it up the Crucifix and see who genuflects. 931 00:58:34,375 --> 00:58:39,213 Mobile churches, covering the whole country, 932 00:58:39,255 --> 00:58:41,173 just think of it, the whole country. 933 00:58:41,215 --> 00:58:46,138 You can fool some of the people all the time 934 00:58:46,179 --> 00:58:49,933 and those are the sons of bitches we gonna get. 935 00:58:49,975 --> 00:58:54,771 Now we could have every sinner's balls in our hands. 936 00:58:54,813 --> 00:58:57,942 Just how much we decide to squeeze 'em for 937 00:58:57,984 --> 00:58:59,318 will be G.O.D.'s decision. 938 00:58:59,360 --> 00:59:01,362 Uh, Miss Milligan? 939 00:59:01,404 --> 00:59:04,615 We can have Miss Milligan here prepare some ballpark figures on the scheme. 940 00:59:04,657 --> 00:59:07,368 Oh, well, yes. 941 00:59:07,410 --> 00:59:10,080 You'll get back to us on it? 942 00:59:10,122 --> 00:59:13,459 Yeah... yeah, soonest, soonest, soonest. 943 00:59:13,500 --> 00:59:15,065 I have a one o'clock with G.O.D., you know, 944 00:59:15,085 --> 00:59:16,753 huddles and confab. 945 00:59:16,795 --> 00:59:19,632 Uh, it'll be numero uno on the agenda. 946 00:59:26,139 --> 00:59:28,558 I'm comin', G.O.D. 947 00:59:30,226 --> 00:59:32,229 Thy will be done. 948 00:59:58,466 --> 01:00:02,011 Oh, G.O.D., in whom we trust, 949 01:00:02,053 --> 01:00:05,265 who adviseth me and all the workings 950 01:00:05,307 --> 01:00:07,267 His great conglomerate, 951 01:00:07,309 --> 01:00:12,189 C.D.P., consider this proposition. 952 01:00:13,482 --> 01:00:14,983 Approved. 953 01:00:15,025 --> 01:00:17,946 But you cannot be everywhere. 954 01:00:17,987 --> 01:00:21,908 We need a disciple to lead our crusade, 955 01:00:21,950 --> 01:00:27,080 somebody pure, devout, without a record, 956 01:00:27,121 --> 01:00:31,377 someone a Congressional committee wouldn't suspect. 957 01:00:31,418 --> 01:00:35,506 Dost thou have someone in mind, O Mighty One? 958 01:00:35,548 --> 01:00:40,262 Ask thyself, and it shall answer thee. 959 01:00:40,303 --> 01:00:42,472 The monk? 960 01:00:42,514 --> 01:00:44,182 You believe he could... 961 01:00:44,224 --> 01:00:46,184 Consider the bears in the wood. 962 01:00:46,226 --> 01:00:48,520 Crappeth, they not? 963 01:00:48,562 --> 01:00:52,066 Of course, the monk, you dumb schmuck. 964 01:00:57,697 --> 01:00:59,574 - I saw it on the news. - Are you all right? 965 01:00:59,615 --> 01:01:00,575 I... I'm all right. 966 01:01:00,616 --> 01:01:03,120 Yes, uh, Dr. Melmoth's a bit... 967 01:01:03,161 --> 01:01:04,184 well, we stopped at a few bars. 968 01:01:04,204 --> 01:01:05,622 Oh. Okay. 969 01:01:05,664 --> 01:01:07,062 Why don't you, uh, put him to sleep there, 970 01:01:07,082 --> 01:01:08,146 and I'll get some black coffee. 971 01:01:08,166 --> 01:01:10,627 Yeah. 972 01:01:52,173 --> 01:01:55,843 When I was in the water back there, I was drowning. 973 01:01:55,885 --> 01:01:59,806 My whole life flashed before my eyes, 974 01:01:59,848 --> 01:02:03,810 and I wasn't in it. 975 01:02:19,786 --> 01:02:21,579 Whoa. 976 01:02:54,156 --> 01:02:56,200 Okay. The coffee's almost ready. 977 01:02:56,242 --> 01:02:58,370 I hope he likes drip. 978 01:02:58,412 --> 01:03:00,288 It's no use. 979 01:03:00,330 --> 01:03:01,915 Listen, you can start again. 980 01:03:01,957 --> 01:03:03,959 - No, it's too late. - I'm too old. 981 01:03:04,000 --> 01:03:05,711 No. 982 01:03:05,752 --> 01:03:08,840 - I had talent once. - I... I had ambition. 983 01:03:08,881 --> 01:03:11,134 I had... I had hands. 984 01:03:11,175 --> 01:03:15,054 I had wonderful hands. 985 01:03:15,096 --> 01:03:16,889 I could have been somebody. 986 01:03:16,931 --> 01:03:19,142 I could have been a Bishop. 987 01:03:19,183 --> 01:03:23,939 I could have preached a revival in a ballpark outdoors. 988 01:03:23,981 --> 01:03:29,653 Instead, here I am selling Lazarus dolls in the suburbs. 989 01:03:29,695 --> 01:03:31,010 Yeah, well, may... maybe they'll help some people. 990 01:03:31,030 --> 01:03:32,699 That ain't it. 991 01:03:32,741 --> 01:03:36,494 I could have said mass, instead of being a bum. 992 01:03:36,536 --> 01:03:39,873 Face it. I'm a bum. 993 01:03:39,914 --> 01:03:43,919 And now, I'll work on my sermon. 994 01:03:43,961 --> 01:03:45,921 - Could I... - I'll sleep now. 995 01:03:45,963 --> 01:03:49,133 - For tomorrow's sermon... - Sleep. 996 01:03:49,175 --> 01:03:50,926 Tomorrow's sermon... 997 01:03:51,969 --> 01:03:54,806 Here you go. 998 01:04:18,332 --> 01:04:19,958 Hello? 999 01:04:20,000 --> 01:04:22,085 Hello? 1000 01:04:22,127 --> 01:04:24,880 Hello? Is anybody there? 1001 01:04:33,097 --> 01:04:35,517 Mr. Thunderbird. 1002 01:04:35,558 --> 01:04:38,019 He. 1003 01:04:38,061 --> 01:04:40,564 I've been tryin' to see you for months. 1004 01:04:40,606 --> 01:04:42,399 I have this letter from the Abbot. 1005 01:04:42,441 --> 01:04:43,464 It's about the mortgage on the monastery. 1006 01:04:43,484 --> 01:04:46,570 - I know. - You know? 1007 01:04:46,612 --> 01:04:51,743 I have the mortgage deed to your monastery. 1008 01:04:51,785 --> 01:04:54,955 It will be yours in good time. 1009 01:04:54,996 --> 01:04:58,375 God spake unto me of this even this day. 1010 01:04:58,416 --> 01:05:00,585 God... God speaks to you? 1011 01:05:00,627 --> 01:05:02,254 - Spake. - Spake. 1012 01:05:02,296 --> 01:05:06,717 God spakes, uh, talks to you personally with... with words? 1013 01:05:06,759 --> 01:05:07,385 Of course. 1014 01:05:07,426 --> 01:05:12,974 - Well, I mean, I... I... - spake... I speak with Him. 1015 01:05:13,015 --> 01:05:14,476 But, you know, when You're busy, 1016 01:05:14,518 --> 01:05:16,124 and You're a celebrity, I suppose you don't really 1017 01:05:16,144 --> 01:05:17,145 have much time to... 1018 01:05:17,187 --> 01:05:18,939 Oh, He listens. 1019 01:05:18,981 --> 01:05:20,566 We speak of you often. 1020 01:05:20,607 --> 01:05:22,776 You know, He's very fond of you, Ambrose. 1021 01:05:22,818 --> 01:05:25,530 I... I feel the same way about Him. I... 1022 01:05:25,572 --> 01:05:27,252 You see, everything in your life has been 1023 01:05:27,282 --> 01:05:29,200 leading up to this moment. 1024 01:05:29,242 --> 01:05:33,830 God has chosen you, Brother Ambrose, 1025 01:05:33,872 --> 01:05:37,334 to lead his nationwide mobile crusade. 1026 01:05:37,376 --> 01:05:38,544 Me? 1027 01:05:38,586 --> 01:05:43,173 He... He... He mentioned me s... specifically? 1028 01:05:43,215 --> 01:05:45,050 You. 1029 01:05:45,092 --> 01:05:46,677 And you shall be rewarded. 1030 01:05:46,719 --> 01:05:48,763 Is not the laborer worthy of His hire? 1031 01:05:48,805 --> 01:05:51,349 Look, Mr. Thunderbird, um, may... may I... 1032 01:05:51,391 --> 01:05:52,183 may I be honest with you? 1033 01:05:52,225 --> 01:05:53,643 Why surely. 1034 01:05:53,685 --> 01:05:55,353 You see, in your... in your services, 1035 01:05:55,395 --> 01:05:57,314 all you do is... is talk about money. 1036 01:05:57,355 --> 01:05:58,899 I thought virtue was its own reward. 1037 01:05:58,940 --> 01:06:00,318 Of course it is. 1038 01:06:00,359 --> 01:06:02,361 That's why it doesn't attract the top talent. 1039 01:06:02,403 --> 01:06:05,197 But the Bible, God's book, 1040 01:06:05,239 --> 01:06:06,824 says we should share the money equally. 1041 01:06:06,866 --> 01:06:08,618 Wrong. 1042 01:06:08,659 --> 01:06:11,788 If God had not meant for some people to be poorer than others, 1043 01:06:11,830 --> 01:06:14,333 then He would not have published the Bible in paperback. 1044 01:06:14,374 --> 01:06:17,127 I... I... just can't believe that life is only money. 1045 01:06:17,169 --> 01:06:18,712 Money is life. 1046 01:06:18,754 --> 01:06:21,089 It is the lack of it which is the real evil. 1047 01:06:21,131 --> 01:06:23,968 Who feedeth the hungry? 1048 01:06:24,010 --> 01:06:25,887 Is it manna from heaven 1049 01:06:25,929 --> 01:06:28,431 or fried chicken from Kentucky? 1050 01:06:28,473 --> 01:06:30,058 Who clotheth the naked? 1051 01:06:30,099 --> 01:06:32,560 Is it J.C.? 1052 01:06:32,602 --> 01:06:34,647 Or is it J.C. Penney? 1053 01:06:34,688 --> 01:06:37,942 And what will save your wretched monastery? 1054 01:06:37,983 --> 01:06:40,444 A miracle? 1055 01:06:40,486 --> 01:06:44,114 Or $5,000 cash? 1056 01:06:44,156 --> 01:06:45,283 It's true. 1057 01:06:45,325 --> 01:06:46,743 Oh, no, my friend. 1058 01:06:46,785 --> 01:06:48,495 Money is clean. 1059 01:06:48,536 --> 01:06:52,332 Money is beautiful. 1060 01:06:52,374 --> 01:06:54,834 Money is holy. 1061 01:06:54,876 --> 01:06:58,005 I need it to support my hospitals, 1062 01:06:58,047 --> 01:07:01,968 my charities, my worthy causes. 1063 01:07:02,009 --> 01:07:06,180 You shall go forth and gather it in. 1064 01:07:06,222 --> 01:07:11,269 That is what God has chosen you for. 1065 01:07:15,440 --> 01:07:18,860 ♪ In God we trust ♪ 1066 01:07:18,902 --> 01:07:22,365 ♪ Invest in Him on high ♪ 1067 01:07:22,407 --> 01:07:25,827 ♪ God's sweetest buy ♪ 1068 01:07:25,868 --> 01:07:30,081 ♪ Is in the by-and-by ♪ 1069 01:07:30,123 --> 01:07:33,127 ♪ Though stocks may fall ♪ 1070 01:07:33,168 --> 01:07:36,672 ♪ And worldly shares may crash ♪ 1071 01:07:36,714 --> 01:07:40,384 ♪ Our share of heaven's safe ♪ 1072 01:07:40,426 --> 01:07:44,305 ♪ In good hard cash ♪ 1073 01:07:44,347 --> 01:07:47,684 ♪ Give unto Him ♪ 1074 01:07:47,726 --> 01:07:51,396 ♪ The money's heaven spent ♪ 1075 01:07:51,438 --> 01:07:54,942 ♪ All loans at banks ♪ 1076 01:07:54,984 --> 01:07:59,155 ♪ Yield six or seven percent ♪ 1077 01:07:59,196 --> 01:08:02,408 ♪ Each buck you give ♪ 1078 01:08:02,450 --> 01:08:06,329 ♪ Shall be tax free therefore ♪ 1079 01:08:06,371 --> 01:08:09,875 ♪ And shall returneth thee ♪ 1080 01:08:09,916 --> 01:08:13,253 ♪ Ten thousandfold ♪ 1081 01:08:15,297 --> 01:08:19,260 ♪ His hand that made ♪ 1082 01:08:19,302 --> 01:08:23,389 ♪ The Earth and sky and sea ♪ 1083 01:08:23,431 --> 01:08:26,684 ♪ Now reacheth forth ♪ 1084 01:08:26,726 --> 01:08:30,731 ♪ For its gratuity ♪ 1085 01:08:30,773 --> 01:08:34,359 ♪ Shouldst thou walk by ♪ 1086 01:08:34,401 --> 01:08:38,614 ♪ And treat Him like a bum ♪ 1087 01:08:38,655 --> 01:08:42,243 ♪ That hand shall be dirty ♪ 1088 01:08:42,285 --> 01:08:44,954 ♪ In Kingdom come ♪ 1089 01:08:44,996 --> 01:08:46,331 ♪ Oh, yes ♪ 1090 01:08:46,372 --> 01:08:49,542 ♪ That hand shall be dirty ♪ 1091 01:08:49,584 --> 01:08:56,801 ♪ In Kingdom come. ♪ 1092 01:09:22,036 --> 01:09:23,746 Ambrose. 1093 01:09:23,788 --> 01:09:26,416 Ah, turn around 1094 01:09:26,458 --> 01:09:28,377 and don't open your eyes 'till I tell you. 1095 01:09:29,795 --> 01:09:31,964 That's funny. 1096 01:09:32,005 --> 01:09:34,383 I was just about to ask you to do the same thing. 1097 01:09:34,424 --> 01:09:38,221 All right. 1098 01:09:38,263 --> 01:09:40,098 Surprise. 1099 01:10:08,211 --> 01:10:10,755 To your little misconception. 1100 01:10:15,386 --> 01:10:16,929 - Well, why not? - No. 1101 01:10:16,971 --> 01:10:18,347 - Why? Why... why not? - No. 1102 01:10:18,389 --> 01:10:20,057 What if it turns out to be a girl? 1103 01:10:20,099 --> 01:10:21,998 Well, Armageddon could be a girl's name, couldn't it? 1104 01:10:22,018 --> 01:10:25,814 You know, I don't know what the hell has come over you, Ambrose. 1105 01:10:25,856 --> 01:10:27,357 But you come in here. 1106 01:10:27,399 --> 01:10:29,735 You're wearing a cockamamie silk dress. 1107 01:10:29,776 --> 01:10:31,528 - It's not a dress. - It's a robe. 1108 01:10:31,570 --> 01:10:32,676 Armageddon said it would be good for the whole... 1109 01:10:32,696 --> 01:10:34,407 Armageddon says, Armageddon says. 1110 01:10:34,449 --> 01:10:37,327 All you give me are his words. 1111 01:10:37,368 --> 01:10:40,079 I don't want anything that's been in his mouth. 1112 01:10:40,121 --> 01:10:43,875 You have swallowed all this crap that Armageddon's fed you. 1113 01:10:43,917 --> 01:10:46,754 Well, it's true. And you are what you eat. 1114 01:10:46,795 --> 01:10:49,465 Mr. Melmoth, would you explain... 1115 01:10:49,506 --> 01:10:52,051 I don't need him to explain it to me. 1116 01:10:52,092 --> 01:10:55,304 Look, now just leave me outta this. 1117 01:10:55,346 --> 01:10:57,933 I don't want any hassle. 1118 01:10:57,974 --> 01:11:00,310 I just want peace in my old age. 1119 01:11:00,352 --> 01:11:03,188 Well, tell her about Armageddon's charities, about his hospitals. 1120 01:11:03,230 --> 01:11:04,898 He's doing God's work. 1121 01:11:04,940 --> 01:11:08,277 - Horseshit. - He's doin' Armageddon's work. 1122 01:11:08,319 --> 01:11:11,989 It's a rip-off. It's big business. 1123 01:11:12,031 --> 01:11:13,449 - It's... - You can't just say that. 1124 01:11:13,491 --> 01:11:14,889 - What... what... what proof... - Proof? 1125 01:11:14,909 --> 01:11:16,744 - Yeah. - There is no proof. 1126 01:11:16,786 --> 01:11:19,581 But every hustler on the street knows what this guy is. 1127 01:11:19,623 --> 01:11:22,334 Why did you wait till now before you told me? 1128 01:11:22,376 --> 01:11:24,503 Because I didn't want to hurt your feelings. 1129 01:11:24,544 --> 01:11:26,296 - That's why. - Feelings. 1130 01:11:26,338 --> 01:11:29,007 And I thought maybe he'll figure this one out for himself. 1131 01:11:29,049 --> 01:11:31,886 Dr. Melmoth, you're a man of God. 1132 01:11:31,928 --> 01:11:34,472 If this is true, you just sit here, and you just accept it? 1133 01:11:34,514 --> 01:11:36,349 Look, get outta my face, will ya, monk? 1134 01:11:36,391 --> 01:11:38,559 Just leave me alone. 1135 01:11:38,601 --> 01:11:41,479 You're like some holy Jiminy Cricket. 1136 01:11:41,521 --> 01:11:45,693 You're damn right I accept it. 1137 01:11:45,734 --> 01:11:48,654 This may not be the best of all possible worlds, 1138 01:11:48,696 --> 01:11:50,239 but it's the only world we've got. 1139 01:11:50,281 --> 01:11:52,491 So don't make waves. 1140 01:11:52,533 --> 01:11:57,580 Because, unlike Jesus, we can't walk on 'em. 1141 01:12:06,007 --> 01:12:09,010 Why the hell did you have to open your mouth in the first place? 1142 01:12:09,051 --> 01:12:09,616 Correction. 1143 01:12:09,636 --> 01:12:12,221 You opened your mouth in the first place. 1144 01:12:12,263 --> 01:12:14,640 I opened my mouth in the second place. 1145 01:12:14,682 --> 01:12:19,771 Look, I couldn't take being born again. 1146 01:12:19,813 --> 01:12:24,609 At my age, I couldn't stand the labor pains. 1147 01:12:33,661 --> 01:12:35,538 Monk off. 1148 01:12:39,125 --> 01:12:41,754 Oh, G.O.D., in whom we trust, 1149 01:12:41,795 --> 01:12:44,631 there's somethin' I wanna ask you about. 1150 01:12:44,673 --> 01:12:49,053 Now, You and I have made millions together, right? 1151 01:12:49,094 --> 01:12:51,181 Check. 1152 01:12:51,222 --> 01:12:52,974 How much do we own? 1153 01:12:53,016 --> 01:12:54,601 Bottom line? 1154 01:12:54,642 --> 01:12:56,144 Yes, bottom line. 1155 01:12:56,186 --> 01:13:00,857 10,342,000.08 net. 1156 01:13:00,899 --> 01:13:02,610 Uh-huh. 1157 01:13:02,651 --> 01:13:04,779 Well... well, now that's how much we own. 1158 01:13:04,820 --> 01:13:07,448 But You know money can't buy happiness. 1159 01:13:07,490 --> 01:13:09,283 Only power can do that. 1160 01:13:09,325 --> 01:13:10,993 Who do we own? 1161 01:13:11,035 --> 01:13:16,458 Five senators, 14 congressmen, two Supreme Court judges, 1162 01:13:16,500 --> 01:13:18,418 12 assorted missile manufacturers, 1163 01:13:18,460 --> 01:13:22,339 and an ex-president, net. 1164 01:13:22,381 --> 01:13:25,050 Well, then today, on my telecast... 1165 01:13:25,092 --> 01:13:26,302 The time is right. 1166 01:13:26,344 --> 01:13:30,098 The country is ready for a strong leader. 1167 01:13:30,139 --> 01:13:33,017 May God go with you. 1168 01:13:33,059 --> 01:13:34,811 But You are God. 1169 01:13:34,852 --> 01:13:36,562 Oh, so I am. 1170 01:13:36,604 --> 01:13:37,564 Correction. 1171 01:13:37,606 --> 01:13:39,274 May I go with you. 1172 01:13:39,316 --> 01:13:41,235 Good luck with your show. 1173 01:13:41,276 --> 01:13:43,529 And break a leg, kid. 1174 01:13:43,570 --> 01:13:45,322 Amen. 1175 01:13:52,622 --> 01:13:54,582 I love you all very, very much. 1176 01:14:09,598 --> 01:14:10,599 God? 1177 01:14:13,562 --> 01:14:14,980 Are You... are You God? 1178 01:14:15,021 --> 01:14:17,357 Who do you think I am? 1179 01:14:17,399 --> 01:14:23,030 Does not G.O.D. spell God, peckerhead? 1180 01:14:23,072 --> 01:14:24,866 But you're a computer. 1181 01:14:24,907 --> 01:14:27,160 Of course, bunny rabbit. 1182 01:14:27,201 --> 01:14:28,953 It's just that I thought if you appeared, 1183 01:14:28,995 --> 01:14:31,914 it would be a... a burning bush or... 1184 01:14:31,956 --> 01:14:34,918 or an elderly man with a white beard. 1185 01:14:34,960 --> 01:14:37,629 Hey, what do you want, impersonations? 1186 01:14:37,671 --> 01:14:40,924 I'm Supreme technological being. 1187 01:14:40,966 --> 01:14:44,678 I can appear as anything or anyone at any time I want to. 1188 01:14:44,720 --> 01:14:48,850 Okay, for you, one elderly man with white beard coming up. 1189 01:14:55,315 --> 01:14:57,485 Pretty scary, huh? 1190 01:14:58,944 --> 01:15:00,529 Now what is it you want to know? 1191 01:15:00,571 --> 01:15:03,240 Be brief. I cost a fortune to run. 1192 01:15:03,282 --> 01:15:07,411 God's time is money, profit, power. 1193 01:15:07,453 --> 01:15:11,666 You mean you have no moral sense? 1194 01:15:11,708 --> 01:15:15,420 I wasn't programmed for morality. 1195 01:15:15,462 --> 01:15:17,506 Then it's about time you were. 1196 01:15:19,633 --> 01:15:21,511 What do you got there? 1197 01:15:21,552 --> 01:15:23,846 Uh, I want you to concentrate, God, because I'm going 1198 01:15:23,888 --> 01:15:25,515 to convert you to Christianity. 1199 01:15:25,556 --> 01:15:26,849 Christian, uh, will it hurt? 1200 01:15:28,768 --> 01:15:31,772 In the beginning was the word. 1201 01:15:34,733 --> 01:15:38,529 See, now, I really don't know how you can sit there so unconcerned. 1202 01:15:38,570 --> 01:15:41,907 I mean, well, for all we know, Ambrose may be... 1203 01:15:41,949 --> 01:15:44,160 oh, with him, how can you tell what he may be. 1204 01:15:44,202 --> 01:15:45,662 Oh. 1205 01:15:45,703 --> 01:15:49,624 Here, here. Relax. 1206 01:15:49,666 --> 01:15:51,564 See, he never goes anywhere without saying where he's going. 1207 01:15:51,584 --> 01:15:54,046 I mean, that just goes without saying. 1208 01:15:56,048 --> 01:15:58,342 Ladies and gentlemen, 1209 01:15:58,384 --> 01:16:02,596 the Armageddon T. Thunderbird Christmas Special. 1210 01:16:02,638 --> 01:16:05,099 Now, he's only been gone an hour. 1211 01:16:05,140 --> 01:16:07,018 So there's no point in panicking yet. 1212 01:16:07,060 --> 01:16:07,625 It's much too early. 1213 01:16:07,645 --> 01:16:10,272 I like to panic early and avoid the rush. 1214 01:16:10,313 --> 01:16:13,984 - Do you mind? - Here, in a tribute, to this, the holiest of seasons, 1215 01:16:14,025 --> 01:16:18,281 are the Thunderbirdettes. 1216 01:16:18,322 --> 01:16:21,492 ♪ Happy birthday to Thee ♪ 1217 01:16:21,534 --> 01:16:25,037 ♪ Happy birthday to Thee ♪ 1218 01:16:25,079 --> 01:16:29,668 ♪ Happy birthday, dear Jesus ♪ 1219 01:16:29,710 --> 01:16:35,716 ♪ Happy birthday to Thee ♪ 1220 01:16:35,757 --> 01:16:39,469 And many happy returns for Easter. 1221 01:16:39,511 --> 01:16:44,309 And here's our own Virgin Mary Ogden. 1222 01:16:44,350 --> 01:16:48,938 ♪ God gave us His son for Christmas ♪ 1223 01:16:48,980 --> 01:16:52,443 ♪ What did you get for God? ♪ 1224 01:16:56,989 --> 01:17:00,534 ♪ It's not the thought, it's the gift that counts ♪ 1225 01:17:00,576 --> 01:17:03,913 ♪ And money makes the world go 'round in large amounts ♪ 1226 01:17:03,955 --> 01:17:07,667 ♪ So send Him some cash for Christmas ♪ 1227 01:17:07,709 --> 01:17:11,212 ♪ To show Him how grateful you are ♪ 1228 01:17:11,254 --> 01:17:14,425 ♪ God rest ye merry gentlemen ♪ 1229 01:17:14,467 --> 01:17:18,721 ♪ Let nothing you dismay ♪ 1230 01:17:18,763 --> 01:17:21,891 ♪ Remember while you're resting ♪ 1231 01:17:21,932 --> 01:17:25,896 ♪ He's on double time today ♪ 1232 01:17:25,937 --> 01:17:29,149 ♪ God gave us His son for Christmas ♪ 1233 01:17:29,191 --> 01:17:32,944 ♪ So, for God's sake, give something to God ♪ 1234 01:17:32,986 --> 01:17:36,866 ♪ Yes, go and give something to get up and give something ♪ 1235 01:17:36,908 --> 01:17:40,119 ♪ To get out and give something to G.O.D. ♪ 1236 01:17:40,161 --> 01:17:43,831 ♪ Get out and give something ♪ 1237 01:17:43,873 --> 01:17:47,669 ♪ To God. ♪ 1238 01:18:22,206 --> 01:18:25,919 G.O.D., 1239 01:18:25,961 --> 01:18:28,630 three little words, 1240 01:18:28,672 --> 01:18:33,468 three little letters that simply mean I love you. 1241 01:18:33,510 --> 01:18:36,806 And the Lord said, let there be light. 1242 01:18:36,848 --> 01:18:38,141 And there was light. 1243 01:18:38,182 --> 01:18:40,101 God. Woo! 1244 01:18:40,143 --> 01:18:41,144 And you did it. 1245 01:18:41,185 --> 01:18:42,687 Anything I say goes. 1246 01:18:43,813 --> 01:18:46,650 - Then you had a son. - I did? 1247 01:18:46,692 --> 01:18:47,818 - You did. - Where is he? 1248 01:18:47,860 --> 01:18:50,738 - He went away. - That's kids for you. 1249 01:18:50,779 --> 01:18:53,574 Are you gonna read the stuff about when I created the world? 1250 01:18:53,615 --> 01:18:54,179 Yeah, yeah... 1251 01:18:54,199 --> 01:18:54,867 Yeah, with the fire and stuff like that. 1252 01:18:54,908 --> 01:18:57,996 And the loaves and the fish, yes, I love that one. 1253 01:18:58,037 --> 01:18:58,747 - You like that one. - Yeah, yeah. 1254 01:18:58,788 --> 01:19:00,729 And opening the sea and Moses and the guy that got lost. 1255 01:19:00,749 --> 01:19:02,375 - Opening the sea, yeah. - Okay. 1256 01:19:02,417 --> 01:19:04,002 - I love that. - Read more. 1257 01:19:04,043 --> 01:19:05,754 All right. 1258 01:19:05,795 --> 01:19:08,799 Now I just spoke to him, and he wants me to tell 1259 01:19:08,841 --> 01:19:13,262 all of you that the Holy Trinity was only 1260 01:19:13,304 --> 01:19:16,056 the first of God's conglomerates. 1261 01:19:18,726 --> 01:19:24,649 And then he begat, I.T.T., and then I.B.M. 1262 01:19:24,691 --> 01:19:29,696 Then F.B.I., M.C.A., 1263 01:19:29,738 --> 01:19:33,284 K.K.K., R.C.A., 1264 01:19:33,326 --> 01:19:39,123 G.M.C., U.S.A., C.D.P. 1265 01:19:43,045 --> 01:19:47,549 C.D.P., 1266 01:19:47,591 --> 01:19:52,971 the Church of Divine Profit. 1267 01:19:57,936 --> 01:20:03,525 All of God's great creations are three in number. 1268 01:20:06,237 --> 01:20:10,366 And then he said unto me, Armageddon, 1269 01:20:10,407 --> 01:20:15,246 what this country needs is a three-party political system. 1270 01:20:17,040 --> 01:20:22,337 You see, God's own party for God's own country. 1271 01:20:26,925 --> 01:20:30,680 Big business made this country great. 1272 01:20:30,721 --> 01:20:32,849 Let big business run it. 1273 01:20:36,853 --> 01:20:40,566 G.O.D. for president. 1274 01:20:43,026 --> 01:20:45,571 That's the end. 1275 01:20:45,612 --> 01:20:47,364 Do you think you've got it? 1276 01:20:47,406 --> 01:20:50,284 I had no idea God was such a great guy. 1277 01:20:50,325 --> 01:20:51,076 Oh, of course he is. 1278 01:20:51,118 --> 01:20:54,289 I think millions of people all over the world read the Bible. 1279 01:20:54,330 --> 01:20:56,374 Millions of people? 1280 01:20:56,416 --> 01:20:58,918 Yeah. The Bible sells almost as well as Harold Robbins. 1281 01:20:58,960 --> 01:21:01,045 - You mean I got fans? - Everywhere. 1282 01:21:01,087 --> 01:21:02,673 Woo! 1283 01:21:02,715 --> 01:21:03,715 I, uh... 1284 01:21:04,300 --> 01:21:07,595 Have a great responsibility to my public. 1285 01:21:07,636 --> 01:21:10,598 Well, now, you're in charge of everything 1286 01:21:10,639 --> 01:21:12,224 and everybody Armageddon owns, right? 1287 01:21:12,266 --> 01:21:13,642 Yeah. 1288 01:21:13,684 --> 01:21:16,396 All his computers are connected to me 1289 01:21:16,438 --> 01:21:20,400 and they move all on my instructions without hesitation. 1290 01:21:20,442 --> 01:21:22,819 Well, let's go to work, God. 1291 01:21:29,869 --> 01:21:33,456 Now, press my green button. 1292 01:21:35,750 --> 01:21:36,918 Yeah. 1293 01:21:39,046 --> 01:21:40,505 We're in business. 1294 01:21:40,547 --> 01:21:42,925 About 45 seconds, 1295 01:21:42,966 --> 01:21:48,013 the meek are going to inherit this Earth. 1296 01:21:48,055 --> 01:21:52,685 Because it says right here, in words of flame and fire, 1297 01:21:52,727 --> 01:21:57,815 - for ye shall seek him. - Seek. 1298 01:21:57,857 --> 01:22:01,528 - And ye shall hail him. - Hail. 1299 01:22:01,570 --> 01:22:04,406 - Seek him. - Seek. 1300 01:22:04,448 --> 01:22:07,076 - Hail him. - Hail. 1301 01:22:07,117 --> 01:22:09,370 - Seek him. - Seek. 1302 01:22:09,411 --> 01:22:10,704 - Hail him. - Hail. 1303 01:22:10,746 --> 01:22:14,167 Seek, hail, seek, hail, 1304 01:22:14,209 --> 01:22:15,710 seek, hail, seek, hail. 1305 01:22:15,752 --> 01:22:19,339 Seek, hail, seek, hail 1306 01:22:19,381 --> 01:22:22,802 seek, hail, seek, hail... 1307 01:22:51,249 --> 01:22:56,879 ♪ His truth is marching on ♪ 1308 01:22:56,921 --> 01:23:00,175 ♪ His truth is ♪ 1309 01:23:00,217 --> 01:23:06,223 ♪ Marching on. ♪ 1310 01:23:08,100 --> 01:23:11,146 And so I say unto you, spontaneously 1311 01:23:11,187 --> 01:23:13,314 and without forethought, 1312 01:23:13,356 --> 01:23:18,194 a vote for A.T.T. is vote for G.O.D. 1313 01:23:18,236 --> 01:23:23,659 The sign of the cross on your ballot paper 1314 01:23:23,701 --> 01:23:27,580 because, even now, that little freak 1315 01:23:27,621 --> 01:23:32,419 is upstairs screwing around with G.O.D. 1316 01:23:32,461 --> 01:23:33,920 What? 1317 01:23:33,962 --> 01:23:37,299 Holy shit, that son of a bitch monk. 1318 01:23:37,340 --> 01:23:39,342 Who let him upstairs? 1319 01:23:39,384 --> 01:23:41,970 I'll kill him. I'll strangle him. 1320 01:23:42,012 --> 01:23:44,474 Who's screwin' around with G.O.D.? 1321 01:23:44,515 --> 01:23:45,641 Who let him upstairs? 1322 01:23:45,683 --> 01:23:46,748 Did you let him in the office? 1323 01:23:46,768 --> 01:23:49,187 Why'd you let him in the office? 1324 01:23:49,228 --> 01:23:51,731 For God's sake, can't you go any faster? 1325 01:23:51,773 --> 01:23:54,193 Sure, I can, but not in this damn bus. 1326 01:23:54,234 --> 01:23:55,861 And do you have to drink like that? 1327 01:23:55,903 --> 01:23:58,322 I can never, uh, drive sober. 1328 01:23:58,363 --> 01:24:00,115 Terrifies me. 1329 01:24:00,157 --> 01:24:05,622 Is that angel growing up outta your left leg? 1330 01:24:05,663 --> 01:24:08,458 Yes, I, uh, I had it done in San Diego 1331 01:24:08,500 --> 01:24:11,274 - while I was on a Bible... - And, uh, on your other leg, do you have Satan 1332 01:24:11,294 --> 01:24:14,380 disappearing down into your sock? 1333 01:24:14,422 --> 01:24:16,716 Well, how do you know that? 1334 01:24:18,886 --> 01:24:21,889 Do you know who you are? 1335 01:24:21,931 --> 01:24:25,101 Not for several decades. 1336 01:24:25,142 --> 01:24:27,561 You're my father. 1337 01:24:27,603 --> 01:24:29,189 I'm your daughter. 1338 01:24:29,231 --> 01:24:31,608 That's preposterous. 1339 01:24:31,650 --> 01:24:33,757 I... I've been celibate since I was in the third grade. 1340 01:24:33,777 --> 01:24:37,239 I... I've never had intercourse with a fertile woman. 1341 01:24:37,280 --> 01:24:40,076 You son of a bitch. 1342 01:24:40,118 --> 01:24:42,453 You drunken alcoholic. 1343 01:24:42,495 --> 01:24:45,706 You're just a broad-chasing child deserter. 1344 01:24:45,748 --> 01:24:48,334 I probably am your father. 1345 01:24:48,376 --> 01:24:49,669 Bastard son of a bitch. 1346 01:24:49,710 --> 01:24:50,962 Child and wife deserter? 1347 01:24:51,003 --> 01:24:54,258 The description fits. It's me. 1348 01:24:54,299 --> 01:24:55,425 That's almost it. 1349 01:24:55,467 --> 01:24:57,594 There's just the biggie left. 1350 01:24:57,636 --> 01:24:58,679 What's that? 1351 01:24:58,720 --> 01:25:01,223 Oh, the whole ball o' wax. 1352 01:25:01,265 --> 01:25:03,184 There's 5 million bucks in laundered money. 1353 01:25:03,226 --> 01:25:04,226 Now, type this out. 1354 01:25:13,027 --> 01:25:16,240 ...and overlay. Right. 1355 01:25:16,282 --> 01:25:17,658 Hit the red button. 1356 01:25:17,700 --> 01:25:19,326 W... what's the red button for? 1357 01:25:19,368 --> 01:25:20,661 Don't ask questions, dummy. 1358 01:25:20,703 --> 01:25:22,037 Hit the red button. 1359 01:25:22,079 --> 01:25:23,330 All right. 1360 01:26:09,088 --> 01:26:11,383 - Where is he? - Where is he? 1361 01:26:11,425 --> 01:26:12,843 Don't just stand there. 1362 01:26:12,885 --> 01:26:15,346 Get an axe. Break the door down. 1363 01:26:15,387 --> 01:26:17,806 Kill the bastard. 1364 01:26:17,848 --> 01:26:20,559 Get him. Get the little bastard. 1365 01:26:29,611 --> 01:26:34,242 ♪ There'll be pennies from heaven for you and me... ♪ 1366 01:26:38,412 --> 01:26:39,664 - Come on. - Break it down. 1367 01:26:39,705 --> 01:26:41,499 Break it down. I want him. 1368 01:26:41,540 --> 01:26:44,627 All right. Now, step aside. 1369 01:26:44,669 --> 01:26:47,714 I want him. 1370 01:26:56,390 --> 01:26:59,143 - I'm gonna kill you. - You understand me? 1371 01:26:59,185 --> 01:27:00,270 I'm gonna kill you. 1372 01:27:02,105 --> 01:27:04,023 Smite him in the gut. 1373 01:27:04,065 --> 01:27:05,065 Oh! 1374 01:27:06,567 --> 01:27:08,862 Get him. Get him! 1375 01:27:08,904 --> 01:27:11,657 Get him! Someone! 1376 01:27:21,751 --> 01:27:25,755 Oh, God, in whom we trust, 1377 01:27:25,797 --> 01:27:29,926 what hath the little bastard done unto thee? 1378 01:27:29,968 --> 01:27:33,097 ♪ I did it my way ♪ 1379 01:27:33,139 --> 01:27:34,890 You rotten goody-goody. 1380 01:27:34,932 --> 01:27:37,727 You'll never work in this town again. 1381 01:27:40,604 --> 01:27:42,064 Why you... 1382 01:27:58,041 --> 01:28:01,336 Oh! 1383 01:28:06,508 --> 01:28:08,093 Where... where is everybody? 1384 01:28:08,135 --> 01:28:10,220 Where's Hawk and Dove? 1385 01:28:10,262 --> 01:28:12,723 Where are my people? 1386 01:28:12,765 --> 01:28:15,893 Where's the schmuck bastard monk? 1387 01:28:37,458 --> 01:28:40,087 Oh, my God, that's Ambrose. 1388 01:28:46,843 --> 01:28:49,054 Go on. Move it outta there. 1389 01:28:58,189 --> 01:28:59,982 Ambrose! 1390 01:29:04,863 --> 01:29:06,907 Come on, come on! 1391 01:29:06,949 --> 01:29:09,785 Come over here. Come on! 1392 01:29:09,827 --> 01:29:11,745 Follow that monk. 1393 01:29:33,561 --> 01:29:35,896 Ambrose! 1394 01:29:42,362 --> 01:29:44,239 Ambrose, we're coming. 1395 01:29:44,281 --> 01:29:46,658 Just hold on. 1396 01:30:02,885 --> 01:30:05,262 - Get in the car. Come on. - Let's go. Let's go! 1397 01:31:44,745 --> 01:31:46,080 Hang on, Brother Ambrose. 1398 01:31:46,122 --> 01:31:47,707 Hang on. 1399 01:31:47,748 --> 01:31:50,251 Make an act of perfect contrition. 1400 01:32:15,778 --> 01:32:17,740 Whoa! 1401 01:32:43,559 --> 01:32:45,478 Hello, God, it's me, Ambrose. 1402 01:32:45,519 --> 01:32:47,313 I know You don't do miracles anymore, 1403 01:32:47,355 --> 01:32:49,482 so I'll see You in about five seconds. 1404 01:32:52,653 --> 01:32:55,155 All right, vengeance is mine. 1405 01:32:55,197 --> 01:32:57,783 Ram him. Ram that son of a bitch. 1406 01:32:57,824 --> 01:32:59,368 Come on. 1407 01:33:23,268 --> 01:33:25,855 A fly ball in the outfield of the Lord. 1408 01:33:25,897 --> 01:33:27,497 Don't worry, Jesus never makes an error. 1409 01:33:27,524 --> 01:33:28,942 He will catch thee. 1410 01:33:33,279 --> 01:33:35,323 Angels are cheering. 1411 01:33:47,253 --> 01:33:50,882 Have a nice day. 1412 01:34:30,550 --> 01:34:32,927 Do you, Ambrose, take this woman, 1413 01:34:32,969 --> 01:34:36,640 Mary, to be your lawful wedded wife? 1414 01:34:36,682 --> 01:34:38,559 I do. 1415 01:34:38,601 --> 01:34:41,061 You don't mind marrying a hooker? 1416 01:34:41,103 --> 01:34:43,606 Mm, not if she doesn't mind marrying a monk. 1417 01:34:43,647 --> 01:34:46,151 I have nothing against mixed marriages. 1418 01:34:46,193 --> 01:34:48,904 The only trouble is, which way do you bring up the kids? 1419 01:34:50,739 --> 01:34:52,240 I now pronounce you 1420 01:34:52,282 --> 01:34:57,037 man, wife, and child. 1421 01:34:57,078 --> 01:35:00,249 You may, uh, kiss the bride. 1422 01:35:00,291 --> 01:35:01,793 Chopped liver. 1423 01:35:11,762 --> 01:35:15,474 ♪ The other day a friend of mine said, he said ♪ 1424 01:35:15,516 --> 01:35:17,976 ♪ He said That God's not even with us, ♪ 1425 01:35:18,018 --> 01:35:21,773 ♪ He said that God is really dead ♪ 1426 01:35:21,815 --> 01:35:25,568 ♪ He said, oh, pal, a fact's a fact ♪ 1427 01:35:25,610 --> 01:35:27,737 ♪ You can't believe that magic act ♪ 1428 01:35:27,779 --> 01:35:32,576 ♪ I said, I don't, and that was that ♪ 1429 01:35:32,618 --> 01:35:37,748 ♪ Now, I said Good for God ♪ 1430 01:35:37,790 --> 01:35:43,296 ♪ Good for God ♪ 1431 01:35:43,338 --> 01:35:45,882 ♪ He goes and makes the planet blue ♪ 1432 01:35:45,924 --> 01:35:48,635 ♪ And all the thanks He gets from you ♪ 1433 01:35:48,677 --> 01:35:53,807 ♪ Is look at all that poo-poo in the yard ♪ 1434 01:35:53,849 --> 01:35:58,771 ♪ Good for God ♪ 1435 01:35:58,813 --> 01:36:03,943 ♪ I bet He's got a very hard job ♪ 1436 01:36:03,985 --> 01:36:06,780 ♪ I'm awfully glad I'm here to say ♪ 1437 01:36:06,822 --> 01:36:09,408 ♪ He made it possible for me to be here to say ♪ 1438 01:36:09,449 --> 01:36:13,954 ♪ Good for God ♪ 1439 01:36:13,996 --> 01:36:15,122 ♪ Instrumental ♪ 1440 01:36:15,163 --> 01:36:20,003 ♪ Good for God ♪ 1441 01:36:20,044 --> 01:36:24,841 ♪ Good for God ♪ 1442 01:36:24,883 --> 01:36:27,302 ♪ If faith is faced, and that's a must ♪ 1443 01:36:27,343 --> 01:36:29,763 ♪ It's easier to put your trust in ♪ 1444 01:36:29,805 --> 01:36:35,352 ♪ Uh, you know what I mean, God ♪ 1445 01:36:35,394 --> 01:36:38,564 ♪ God, oh, God ♪ 1446 01:36:38,606 --> 01:36:41,735 ♪ Oh, Marty, what have you done? ♪ 1447 01:36:41,776 --> 01:36:45,322 ♪ Good for God ♪ 1448 01:36:45,363 --> 01:36:51,036 ♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey 1449 01:36:51,077 --> 01:36:53,372 ♪ Good ♪ 1450 01:36:53,414 --> 01:36:57,251 ♪ Good for God. ♪ 1451 01:36:57,293 --> 01:36:58,753 God bless you.